Broken Dreams and Silent Screams
by psych21
Summary: COMPLETED! AU after the Valentine's Day stabbing. Neither Lucy nor Carter die. Six years later Lucy comes back to do a favor for Robert "Rocket" Romano. In the process, things in her life get turned upside down.
1. Back to Chicago

**Broken Dream and Silent Screams**

A/N: This is an AU story taking place about 6 years after the stabbing on Valentine's Day. It popped into my head after rewatching ER on Hulu recently. Neither Lucy nor Carter died. Everything else will become clearer as the chapters come out.

 **Chapter One**

"You know, you'll never actually beat me, right?" Carter gloated to Morris as he dribbled the ball around him and made the basket.

Morris caught the ball as it fell from the hoop. "Just because I haven't beaten you yet doesn't mean I won't." He dribbled around for a moment before making his shot.

Carter laughed. "We're now tied. And whoever makes this next shot wins. Sorry Morris, but I don't think you have a chance since I have the ball."

"We'll see about that." Morris chuckled.

They were caught off guard by the sound of a motorcycle approaching the ER entrance. They both watched as the motorcycle parked up against the wall not too far from the basketball hoop.

"You know, you aren't allowed to park there!" Carter yelled after the motorcycle's engine was turned off. He couldn't help but be intrigued. The rider seemed to be a female, and she was wearing a leather jacket and what looked like skin-tight leather pants. He glanced over at Morris, who was also watching intently.

The leather clad figure didn't say anything at first. They got off the bike slowly, standing up and stretching like a cat at the end of an afternoon nap.

"Uh…I'm going to have to ask you to move your bike!" Carter called out. "If you don't, I'll have to have it towed."

The figure took off her helmet and shook her brunette, shoulder length hair around. Then she faced him. "Surely you can make an exception for me though, right Dr. Carter?" Lucy asked with a huge grin on her face.

Morris took this opportunity to grab the ball from Carter and make a basket, winning the game. "You snooze, you lose Carter!"

Lucy laughed at the scene in front of her. She gave a small wave, picked up her bag and entered the ER without looking back.

Carter was shocked. He never expected to see Lucy here again, and definitely never expected to see her wearing leather or riding a motorcycle. But he hadn't spoken to her in over five years. Things were bound to change in that amount of time.

Getting back to reality, he glared at Morris. "That wasn't fair!"

"I can't help it you were distracted by some chick." Morris defended himself. "But now you can't claim being undefeated."

"It doesn't count!" Carter yelled. "And it wasn't some chick. It was Lucy."

Morris looked at him blankly for a moment before the lightbulb went off above his head. "THAT was Lucy? Are you serious? She is not how you described her at all. She's a total fox."

"Yeah." Carter chuckled. "You can say that again."

"I wonder what she's doing back here." Morris said.

"Who knows?" Carter said, stealing the ball from Morris. "Rematch?"

Morris looked at him like he had grown a second head. "You really want to stay out here while Lucy is in there?"

"She doesn't want to talk to me." Carter shook his head.

"Maybe you should let her tell you that instead of just assuming." Morris commented. "Anyway, I'm going inside. I suggest you come in too."

Carter watched his coworker and friend go back in, wondering if he should go in too. Seeing Lucy was surprising and he did want to know why she was back. He wanted to apologize for what he said the last time they spoke. He wanted…well there were a lot of things he wanted regarding Lucy. With a heavy sigh, he resigned himself to the fact that he had to go back in. The curiosity of her reappearance was too much for him.

* * *

"Lucy!" Kerry greeted with a smile and a hug. "How have you been?"

"Great." Lucy replied with a smile. She had only gotten as far as the admit desk before she got stopped by Jerry and a couple of the nurses who wanted to greet her. Now Kerry was here too. She seemed to have a small crowd circling her. She looked over and saw that Carter had come in and was staring right at her.

"What are you doing here?" Kerry asked.

"Ms. Knight! You are late." The voice of Robert Romano called out harshly as he unceremoniously pushed his way through the crowd to get to her.

Lucy laughed and rolled her eyes. "First of all, it's Dr. Knight. Second of all, I am never late. And third, if you really wanna take that tone with me, I guess I could always go use my vacation time somewhere tropical. Maybe I could go visit Mark and Elizabeth in Hawaii…"

"Point made, Ms. Knight." Romano laughed, pulling her into a hug. "How was your trip?"

"It was fine." Lucy replied. "I rode the cycle the whole way down."

"You rode that thing for six hours in that outfit?" Romano laughed. "You are by far braver than I am."

Lucy laughed. "Well we all knew that!"

"Will someone kindly explain what is going on?" Kerry asked.

"Oh yeah. Sorry." Lucy apologized. "I'm here because Dr. Romano wants me to perform a surgery on his fiancée."

"Since when did you get a fiancée?" Chuny asked.

"Unlike most of you, I don't share every detail of my personal life with everyone in the hospital." Romano rolled his eyes.

"But you shared it with Lucy…" Chuny pointed out.

"Yes people. I shared it with Lucy. But now you know I have a fiancée." He shook his head then turned to Lucy. "I'll see you up there in ten?"

"Sure thing." She gave him a smile and watched him leave. "So…"

"I have so many questions right now." Chuny spoke up.

"Me too." Jerry replied.

"I imagine you all do." Lucy chuckled.

"It's just you never mentioned being friends with Romano in any of your Christmas cards." Kerry pointed out.

"Yeah." Chuny echoed. "You never once mentioned him."

"Well look, I'd love to stay here and catch up…" Lucy bit her lip nervously. "But I should get up there and see Rebecca, Romano's fiancée. Don't worry though. I'll be here for about a week so I'll have plenty of time to answer questions." She carefully extricated herself from the crowd and headed to the elevator.

She didn't need to turn around to know that Carter was behind her as she pushed the up button. She tried to calm her heart, but she was nervous about what he was going to say to her.

"Your little entrance earlier kept me from winning the basketball game." He half-teased.

She immediately calmed down as she realized that the Carter she was dealing with right now was going to gloss over their previous problems and keep things light. Well if he wanted to ignore their past, she could too. Without turning around, she spoke up. "Perhaps you should have been paying more attention to the game and less attention to me."

"It isn't easy to keep my attention from going to you." He told her, as he followed her onto the empty elevator.

She pressed the button and then faced him. She chose to ignore that comment because she had no clue what he meant by it. "So…how are you Carter?"

"I'm alright." He nodded, looking her in her eyes.

"So…you're a surgeon now?" He asked.

"Yeah. I specialized in cardio-thoracic surgery for some pretty obvious reasons." She explained.

He nodded. "So you and Romano seem very close. Just how close are you two?"

She lightly smacked his arm. "It isn't and has never been like that."

"Like what?" He asked.

"C'mon. I know you Carter. I know what you were thinking." She accused. "Romano has been more like a mentor or father figure to me these past few years."

"Ok. I'm sorry if I made it seem less innocent than it is." Carter apologized. "We just don't get to see Romano actually act like he cares about anyone or anything. It's actually a little off-putting to be honest."

Lucy rolled her eyes. "Well you're allowed your own opinion. But Romano has been a hundred times more supportive than someone else in this elevator so forgive me if I don't like your tone." The elevator dinged and she made a move to get out, only stopping when Carter lightly grabbed her arm.

"I'm sorry Luce."

She knew what he was doing. By calling her Luce he was hoping the old nickname would make her forgive him. It did make her face soften. "Carter, just let me go please."

"Can we get coffee later?" He asked, letting go of her arm.

"I don't think so." She said as the elevator doors closed on him. She took a deep breath, grateful that she survived the elevator ride with him. But she would have to harden her heart even more to get through the rest of her stay in Chicago.

* * *

She remembered Rebecca's room number from the text Romano had sent her earlier today and headed in that direction. She knocked on the door and popped her head in. "Is now a good time?"

"Lucy!" Rebecca greeted.

Lucy walked over to Rebecca's bedside and sat down. "I'd ask you how you are doing, but given the fact that you are in a hospital bed, I think I know the answer."

Rebecca laughed. "Still…could be worse."

"Yeah, you could have Romano doing your surgery." Lucy teased.

"Yeah." Rebecca played along. "I hear he is the worst."

"Oh he is." Lucy chuckled. "It's a shame, really, because he thinks he is this amazing surgeon but no one has the heart to tell him he is simply mediocre."

"You know, I am still in the room." Romano sighed.

"Oops!" Lucy laughed. "Sorry, didn't see you there."

"Lucy," Rebecca said. "I'm sorry you had to use your vacation time to come do this."

"I'm not!" Lucy assured her. "If I can't use my magnificent surgical talents to help out a friend, what's the point?"

"Oh god…" Rebecca laughed. "You've been hanging around Robert too long."

Lucy laughed. "Maybe."

Romano pulled out an iPad and handed it to Lucy. "Here is her chart."

"Ooh. I guess the teacher says it's time to get back to work." Lucy giggled. Since Romano had already sent her the chart yesterday, she was just catching up on everything that happened since then. After a few minutes, she put the iPad down. "Everything looks stable, which is good. You haven't had any significant deterioration and your labs look fine. I think we can do the surgery first thing tomorrow morning."

"That's good, right?" Rebecca asked, looking over at Robert.

"That is good." Romano smiled back. "But why can't we do the surgery tonight?"

Lucy chuckled until she realized he was serious. "Oh. Well I just got here. I've been driving all day."

"I want to get this done." Romano pointed out.

"I know, and I'm sure all of us share that desire." Lucy explained. "But Rebecca is stable and there is no reason to think that she won't continue to be stable through the night."

"So are you going to do a cone reconstruction of leaflets?" Romano asked.

"I won't know for sure until I get in there and see for myself, but I am leaning towards cone reconstruction." Lucy stated.

"But that's a newer approach and the long term effects haven't been studied enough yet." Romano pointed out.

"It's really not worth arguing over though because it might be a moot point if I get in there and realize I have to do a complete valve replacement." Lucy told him.

"Can I speak to you in private for a moment?" He asked, practically yanking her by the arm and dragging her into a nearby empty room.

"You're lucky you're a friend or I would have punched you for that." Lucy told him.

He closed the door. "Look, I appreciate you coming out here to do the surgery. But Rebecca needs this done now. Hell, it would have been done already if I could have done the surgery myself."

"I know." Lucy nodded.

"Stupid hospital ethics rules. You should be able to operate on your family." He grumbled. "But the fact that you don't seem to have a plan here…"

"Ok, Robert, sit down." Lucy pointed to the chair. Usually she didn't call him by his first name. Usually he was Romano to her. But she had to get his attention. Judging by the look on his face, he knew she meant business. "I understand the situation you are in here. You just want Rebecca to be better and recovered. So do I. And I understand that trusting other people to do things you know how to do is difficult. But you brought me here so you need to trust me. I'm going to do everything in my power to make sure you and Rebecca get through this."

"Thank you." He said softly.

"So please stop being a back-seat surgeon because it's starting to get on my nerves and Hawaii is looking better and better every minute." She laughed.

He couldn't help but laugh too. "You're a pain too though, you know that?"

"Oh I'm well aware of that!" She smiled. "Now why don't you go terrorize a resident while I spend some time with my friend? That always seems to make you feel better."

"Terrorizing someone does sound good right about now." He said, actively considering it. "You've got twenty minutes, Knight."

After he left the room, the smile on Lucy's face turned into a grimace. He was counting on her to not screw this up. She had performed dozens of these procedures before, but this situation was making her extremely nervous because it was her friend. Shaking her head, she put the smile back on her face and went back to Rebecca's room.

"Is everything alright between you two?" Rebecca asked when Lucy came back in by herself.

"Yeah." Lucy assured her, sitting on the edge of her bed. "We're fine. You know how he gets when he can't control things. He's pretty worried about you."

"I know." Rebecca nodded. "But I have a kick-ass surgeon so things will be fine."

"I'm going to do my best." Lucy blushed.

"Stand up for a second." Rebecca requested.

Lucy did. "What?"

"You are quite possibly the only one I know who would come into a hospital in leather pants." Rebecca laughed.

Lucy laughed. "Oh man, you should have seen Carter's face when I got off the motorcycle in these pants and then he saw it was me. I thought he was going to pass out."

"Oh, so that's why you wore them." Rebecca smirked.

"That's not…no." Lucy denied. "Why would I care? It doesn't make any sense…stop!"

"Lucy, admit it. You still care about Carter."

"I'd have to be a real idiot to still care about him after everything that's happened." She replied.

"So you're an idiot?" Rebecca laughed.

"Can we please not do this right now?" Lucy sighed.

"Ok." Rebecca nodded. "We can talk about something else."

"Thank you." Lucy smiled. "How are wedding plans going?"

"Ugh. Now there is a topic I don't want to talk about." Rebecca groaned. "I'm tempted to just elope."

"I'm sure Romano would be willing to go along with that." Lucy chuckled.

"Actually he wants a large wedding." Rebecca sighed.

"Why?" Lucy laughed. "That seems unlike him. Downstairs they didn't even know he had a fiancée until today."

"Beats me." She shrugged.

"Men." Lucy laughed, making Rebecca laughed.

* * *

After spending more than the twenty minutes Romano had given her with Rebecca, Lucy grabbed her leather jacket and headed back downstairs. As much as she hated to admit it, she had missed this place. She had missed the people. She had missed Carter.

She headed into the doctor's lounge and found Kerry working on some charts. "Hey Kerry." She went over to the couch and sat down.

"Lucy." Kerry smiled.

"So I bet everyone has a lot of questions for me, don't they?" Lucy laughed.

"Yes, they do." Kerry acknowledged. "But you don't have to answer any of them."

"How are you doing?" Lucy asked, genuinely caring about her friend.

"I'm doing alright." Kerry nodded.

"And Sandy?"

"She's good too." Kerry replied. "How are you doing with being back here?"

"I can't say it is fun…" Lucy answered, looking around the lounge. "It definitely brings up some things that I wish would stay buried. But Dr. Romano has been a good friend to me, so I'm being a good friend back to him."

"Dr. Weaver!" Chuny interrupted, coming inside. "GSW coming in right now."

"Duty calls." Kerry said, looking at Lucy apologetically.

"It's fine." Lucy assured her. A moment later, another doctor came into the lounge.

"Hi." He greeted. "My name is Morris. You're Lucy, right?"

"Yeah. That's right." She smiled. She recognized him as the guy Carter was playing basketball against earlier.

"A lot of people have been talking about you today." He said as he made his way over to his locker. He took off his coat.

"That doesn't surprise me." She chuckled.

"I think it is nice to finally be able to put a face to a name." Morris spoke up.

She looked at him weirdly. "What do you mean?"

"Carter." Morris stated. "He…well let's just say he's told me a lot about you."

"Don't believe everything you hear." Lucy shook her head. She could only imagine the things Carter must have said about her.

"I have to thank you though." Morris spoke again, seemingly ignoring her last comment. "Your arrival did allow me to finally beat him at basketball."

Lucy laughed. "Yeah. He wasn't too happy about that."

As if on cue, Carter came into the lounge. "Morris, are we still on for tonight?"

"Sure thing." Morris answered.

Lucy could tell that Carter hadn't seen her sitting on the couch when he came in. It wasn't until he got to his locker that he looked over and saw her. She couldn't read his face.

"You know, Lucy, you should come out with us tonight. We were going to see a buddy of mine play at this club downtown."

"Oh…well…" She started to say before being interrupted.

"Lucy wouldn't be interested in that, Morris." Carter interrupted.

She was going to say no to the invitation, but now that she knew Carter didn't want her to go, she decided to change her mind. She got up from the couch and approached the guys. "Actually, I was going to say that sounds great. I just can't stay out too late because I am operating tomorrow morning."

"Oh yeah…on Romano's fiancée?" Morris nodded. "How did he ever find someone he could dupe into marrying?"

"She's actually a good friend of mine so maybe we lay off the insults?" Lucy asked.

"Of course." Morris apologized, his whole face turning red.

Lucy couldn't help but laugh. "It's ok. I am not blind to Romano's gruff exterior."

"That's certainly one way to put it." Morris sighed.

"Lucy, if you have surgery in the morning, maybe you shouldn't go out tonight with us." Carter told her.

"No!" Morris objected. "You absolutely should come out with us. It will be fun!"

Lucy smiled at Morris. "Alright. I'm in."

"Great." Morris nodded. "We're going to the Hungry Brain over on Belmont."

"The Hungry Brain?" Lucy laughed. "Ok. I need to go back to my hotel first, but I'll meet you guys over there."

"Great." Carter sighed.

She flung her jacket over her shoulder. "Bye guys."

She knew that going out tonight with Carter and Morris was dangerous. She wasn't sure how much time she could spend with Carter without their past problems spilling out into the present. But she did love to go dancing. It always calmed her down, and with Rebecca's surgery tomorrow, she needed to calm down. So she would go and hope it wasn't a mistake.

* * *

"What was that about?" Carter asked, smacking Morris in the arm after Lucy left.

"What?" Morris asked.

"You just had to ask Lucy to come along tonight?" Carter questions.

"What is so wrong with that?" Morris laughed. "You have talked about this girl a lot…"

"And because of that you should know Lucy and I have a very complicated past." Carter interrupted.

"I thought I was helping." Morris apologized.

Carter sighed. What's done is done. Now he just had to hope that tonight wasn't a mistake.

A/N: Questions? Comments? I welcome all feedback!


	2. Be Nice

Broken Dreams and Silent Screams

Chapter Two- Be Nice

Lucy walked into the Hungry Brain, convincing herself for what seemed like the thousandth time to go in. She looked around the dimly lit area for Carter and Morris, quickly spotting them at the bar. She took a deep breath and approached them. "Gentlemen." She greeted with a smile.

Morris looked over first, smiling at her. "Lucy! You came!"

"I said I would." Lucy reminded him.

"And you didn't disappoint." Morris slurred a few of those words.

"How many rounds have you already had?" Lucy asked with a chuckle. She didn't think she was that late, but Morris seemed like he had at least three rounds already.

"We have only had one round so far. He's just a lightweight who didn't eat much today. He will be ok once he eats something." Carter replied, looking over at her.

She watched as Carter looked her up and down. She was wearing a short, tight, black dress that looked modest from the front but was backless. She knew she looked good and took a certain amount of pleasure for making Carter's eyes pop out of his head twice in one day.

"So what can we get you?" Morris asked.

"Club soda, please." Lucy told him.

"Ah yes, because of the surgery tomorrow." Morris reminded himself, flagging down the bartender. "Can I get a club soda please?"

"I hope I didn't keep you guys waiting too long." Lucy said.

"Nope." Carter replied, still nursing his beer.

"I really like this song." Lucy said. Partially to get a reaction from Carter and partially just because she wanted to dance, she looked over. "Morris, what do you say? You wanna dance?"

She watched as he looked over at Carter. He was smiling before looking at his friend. After one glance his face turned into a grimace. Since Carter had his back to her, she could only imagine what Carter's reaction was. "Last chance."

Morris looked back at her. "I better not right now."

Lucy laughed. "Suit yourself. I'll be back." She went out to the dance floor and started to grind to the beat of the song. Over the past several years dancing had helped her quiet her mind when she started to worry too much or get too overwhelmed. Something about letting go on the dance floor helped her get her thoughts together. She probably went out dancing at least three times a week.

Being a single woman and going out dancing alone made her have to take precautions. She took some self-defense classes and even carried pepper spray. It was necessary to make sure she could handle any jerks who thought that dancing meant she would go home with them. If she went home with them, it was because she wanted to, not because she had spent all night dancing seductively up against them.

She was having a good time dancing until she made the mistake of looking over at where Carter was. He had turned in his seat and was just staring at her as he slowly drank his beer. It caught her off guard and she tried to look away. She tried to just go back to dancing and forget that he was there, but she kept turning to see him. Every time she looked, she saw him staring at her. After a few minutes, she couldn't take it anymore and got off the dance floor.

She approached the bar and took the club soda from Morris. Then she turned to Carter. "Is there something wrong Carter?"

"No." He shook his head. "Why would there be something wrong?"

"I'm just wondering because it looked like you were watching my every move." She accused. "Do you want to tell me why?"

"You're in a strange city, dancing in a group of guys who are drooling over you. I thought I'd watch out for you." Carter stated.

"A strange city?" She scoffed. "I've lived here before. It isn't strange to me. And I don't need you to watch out for me. I'm an adult." Without thinking, she said something hurtful. "The time I needed you to watch out for me is in the past. Stop trying to make up for it now."

Morris, who had been listening and watching this exchange, picked up his drink. "I think this is my cue to leave this conversation. I'm gonna go find my buddy. Later kids! Be nice!"

Lucy looked over at Carter, immediately sorry for what she said. But he was just glaring at her. "Carter…"

"Forget it." He put his beer down and got up.

She watched as he got up and moved to leave. "Damn it." She said under her breath. She had to follow him and waited until they were out of the Hungry Brain to call out to him. "Carter!" He didn't stop; instead he walked faster away from her. "Carter!" She called again, but he started to jog. She tried to catch up but found it hard to do with high heels on. "John, stop!" She shouted.

To her surprise, that made him stop. He didn't turn around, but it gave her a chance to catch up to him. "I'm sorry."

"Ok." He nodded, not looking at her.

"What I said was a low blow. You didn't deserve it." She apologized further. "I just…seeing you again isn't exactly easy for me."

He scoffed, turning to look at her. "And you think this is easy for me? You just reappeared after all this time with no warning."

"I don't know. Ok?" She confessed. "After all this time I'm not sure I still know you anymore."

"I know what you mean. Though I am certain I don't know you anymore." He shook his head.

"What's that supposed to mean?" She put her hands on her hips.

"Look at the way you're dressing, your hair, your attitude, and not to mention the motorcycle." He listed off on his fingers. "Oh and apparently you are BFF's with Romano of all people."

"There is absolutely nothing wrong with the way I dress, my hair, my attitude or the motorcycle." She said, starting to get angry and letting her voice get louder. "And Romano has been a great supporter of mine helping me get ahead in my career. And yeah he is a great friend of mine too. So what?"

"I bet he's done more than his fair share to support you." Carter scoffed.

"You're unbelievable!" She finally couldn't take it anymore and shook her head, trying desperately not to cry in front of him. But it was no use. Without another word, she walked away from him.

* * *

Carter watched her walk away and berated himself. To insinuate that she was somehow romantically involved with Romano was low, especially since he already did that earlier today. There was something about Lucy that made him turn into an idiot. It had to be the feelings he still had for her. They must be making him act like this.

He couldn't take his eyes off of her on the dance floor, but it wasn't because he was trying to watch out for her. I mean, he was trying to make sure none of the guys got too handsy. But he also couldn't take his eyes off of her because she was stunning. Time had done nothing to dull her beauty. In fact, it had only enhanced it. He attributed some of that to her newfound confidence.

She wasn't nearly as confident when she came here as a med student. But now, being settled in her career, she exuded confidence. It was sexy.

He knew he needed to apologize so he called after her. "Hey Lucy…Luce." Since she was wearing high heels, it was easy for him to catch up to her.

"Leave me alone Carter, please." She sniffled.

"I'm sorry for what I said." He apologized.

"I'm not in the mood to keep trading jabs at each other."

He went to stand in front of her so that she couldn't keep walking away from him. That's when he saw her face. Some of her eye liner had smeared due to her tears. Without thinking, he reached out any gently wiped the tears from her cheek.

"Why can't we have a normal conversation where neither of us tries to hurt the other one?" She asked.

"I wish I knew." He shook his head. "But maybe we could start now? I'd like to, if you want to."

She seemed to study his face for a moment before nodding. "I'd like that." She looped her right arm in his left one and they continued to walk. "So what do you want to talk about?"

"We could talk about what you have been up to since you left Chicago because it seems like everyone else has been getting Christmas cards from you except me…which isn't a dig." He was quick to add that last part. "I swear. It was just an observation."

"Well, Romano pulled some strings and got me a position at Mercy Hospital in St. Louis. I learned cardiothoracic surgery techniques from one of his old college buddies. And then I went to the Mayo Clinic, where I perform various cardio-thoracic procedures. There isn't much excitement in my life. That's pretty much everything." Lucy explained.

"I didn't realize you work at the Mayo Clinic." He marveled. "That's fantastic Luce. I'm proud of you."

"Thanks."

He could have sworn he saw her blush at that comment.

"So what have you been up to?" Lucy asked.

"Nothing like that." He laughed. "I went to Africa for a while to work with a group called Alliance Medicines."

"Really?" She asked. "That seems so dangerous."

"It was at times." He admitted. "There were some close calls."

"How long did you stay over there?" She asked.

"Almost four years." He admitted.

She broke free from him and stepped in front of him. "You were in Africa for four years?"

"Yeah." He shrugged.

"Wow." She said. "That's really incredible. What made you decide to go over there?"

He wasn't sure how to answer that. They were getting along so well right now. Answering that could jeopardize that. He decided to be honest. "I was having some personal issues and decided on a whim that I needed to get away from Chicago. I suspect it was for many of the same reasons why you fled to St. Louis."

She seemed to be searching his face for a moment. Then the smile on her face dropped. "That's a very diplomatic way of explaining it."

He could tell that this conversation could go wrong soon, so he decided to try and get the conversation changed. "Hey, do you want to go get a cup of coffee?"

"I don't know…" She hesitated.

"We've been doing so well not snapping at each other. I want to see how long we can keep this up." He smirked.

She couldn't help but smile. "Ok. There is a coffee shop across from my hotel. We could go get one cup of coffee."

"Great." He held his arm out for her and they walked to the curb to try and hail a taxi.

* * *

The whole ride over to the coffee shop, Lucy kept sneaking glances at Carter. To her surprise, every time she glanced over, he was already looking at her. Talking to him like this was wonderful. It reminded her of the early stages of their previous relationship.

She remembered everything about their previous relationship, from the good to the bad. They were so hesitant to get together after the stabbing, each afraid of their feelings for each other. But they finally let that go about six months after the stabbing. They started dating and everything was easy between them. They had fun together, they understood each other, they supported each other and they loved each other.

At least that's what she thought.

Their downfall started with a simple phone call from Millicent Carter.

 _Lucy draped her arm over Carter's chest, snuggling in closer when his phone went off. "You know you could ignore it." She whispered._

" _I could, but what if it is the hospital." He reminded her, grabbing it off the night stand. He groaned. "It's Gamma."_

 _She gave him a look. "Be nice."_

" _I'm always nice." He smiled before answering the phone. "Hey Gamma…yeah…well I'm very busy…I can't guarantee I'd have time…ok…sounds good…I'll see you then." He put the phone back where he got it and wrapped his arm around her. "She wants to come to the hospital and talk to me tomorrow around lunch time."_

" _Why do you make that sound like a bad thing?" She asked._

" _Because whenever she decides she wants to talk, we usually argue." He informed her. "But let's not talk about her anymore."_

" _What should we talk about?" She played dumb before starting to kiss his chest._

"Hey Lucy…We're here." Carter tugging at her arm brought her out of her reverie.

"Oh, good." She gave him a small smile and got out of the cab with him.

"Are you ok?" He asked. "You seemed off in the cab."

"I'm fine." She assured him. They had reached the coffee shop across from her hotel and went inside. It wasn't late yet, but it was late enough that there were only three other people in there. She chose a booth close to the back and sat down.

After both ordering a cup of coffee, Carter looked at her quizzically.

"What?" She laughed.

"Ok, I've been trying to figure this out all day and I can't." He laughed. "So can you please just explain to me how Rocket Romano found someone to marry?"

"Oh c'mon!" Lucy laughed. "You make him sound like a serial killer or something. He really isn't that bad once you get to know him!"

"Maybe to you, but the rest of us kind of hate him." Carter pointed out. "None of us see any good in that man. So please just walk me through it." Carter continued to laugh.

"I may have set him up with one of my friends from St. Louis." Lucy explained. "Her name is Rebecca."

"Is there something wrong with her brain?" Carter snickered.

"There's nothing wrong with her brain!" Lucy replied, not laughing anymore. "But there is something wrong with her heart."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to…"

"I know." She nodded, seeing the look of contrition on his face. "It's ok."

"So what is wrong with her heart?" Carter asked.

"She needs a heart valve repair." Lucy explained. "Or at least I hope I can just repair it. Otherwise, I'll have to replace it."

"I'm sure you will get her taken care of." Carter told her, reaching across the table and grabbing a hold of her hand.

"I hope so." She gave him a small smile. "Romano called me to do it because the hospital considers Rebecca his family and you know you can't operate on your family."

"We have other surgeons here that could have done it." Carter pointed out.

"Yeah." Lucy nodded. "But I believe his words were something to effect of not wanting to let any of those degenerate losers touch his beloved." She burst out laughing. "Ok. I see your point. He is not exactly the nicest guy on the planet."

Carter laughed too.

Lucy stopped laughing a moment later. "They are both counting on me and I don't want to let them down. I've done the procedure before, many times. I just don't want to screw this up for them." She remembered the last time she tried to help a loved one of someone she cared about. That time it ended in disaster. She had to hope this time would be different.

He got out of his side of the booth and slid in next to her. "Lucy, believe me. You can do this."

Without thinking, she closed the small gap between them. She threw her arms around his neck and placed a long, slow kiss on his lips. She felt him wrap his arms around her waist while he continued to kiss her. A part of her knew this was wrong, but it just felt so right so she kicked that voice from her head. The same electric spark they shared in the past was still there, which delighted and scared her at the same time.

"Lucy…" Carter whispered when they finally parted.

"John…" Lucy whispered back. She couldn't say anything more than that because he started kissing her again. It took every ounce of willpower she had to pull away. Out of breath, she pressed her forehead against his. "John…"

"Lucy…"

"We shouldn't…" She closed her eyes for a moment.

"I know." He answered. "But I want to."

"I do too." She confessed, opening her eyes and scooting away from him as far as she could. "That part was never a problem for us."

He softly chuckled. "No, it certainly wasn't."

"I should probably go." She told him.

"Yeah." He agreed, staring at her face. "You probably should."

It was like he was a magnet that kept drawing her closer and closer. Before she knew what was happening, she found herself inching towards him again, planting slow kisses on his lips and moaning softly when his fingers found their way under her dress. "Or we could go into the bathroom together and…"

She looked into his eyes and saw the same, dark desire that undoubtedly had to be reflected in her own eyes. It took him a moment of thinking before he planted a kiss on her forehead and then stood up. He held out his hand to her and before her brain could tell her not to, she followed him into the bathroom.


	3. Panic

Broken Dreams and Silent Screams

A/N: Hopefully you all are still enjoying this story! Things are going to start moving faster starting in chapter 4…

Chapter 3

Lucy splashed some water on her face the next morning in an attempt to feel refreshed. While she had miraculously gotten some sleep, most of her dreams revolved around Carter. She thought back to what happened last night.

 _Lucy pulled her underwear back up and readjusted her dress, noticing that Carter was readjusting his clothes too. In a very weak moment she destroyed all the progress she had made of getting over her feelings for him. She was going to have to start back at square one again. Sex with him was always incredible. This time was no different, even though they were in a public bathroom. But it was still a mistake._

 _When she thought about it, it seemed like their relationship was doomed from the beginning. There was no reason to believe that the problems in their relationship could magically be solved several years later. She could feel her anxiety levels rise as the seconds ticked by and realized she had to get out of there._

 _It seemed Carter had other ideas though. He was smiling at her, gently cupping her face with his hands and placing a kiss on her forehead._

" _What's going on inside that pretty head of yours?" He asked, staring into her eyes. "You look like you're panicking."_

" _I've got to get going." She blurted out abruptly. She was staring into his eyes too and what she saw scared her. He was right when he said she was panicking. She could have sworn she saw love reflected in his gaze. Unable to handle that, she had to get away as soon as possible. "I need to be fresh for the surgery tomorrow."_

" _Ok." He nodded. "But shouldn't we talk about what just happened?"_

 _She shook her head, unable to look him in the eyes anymore. "Uh…no. I don't think so. We're both adults and this kind of thing happens sometimes so no." She reached for the door handle of the bathroom, stopping when Carter put his hand over hers._

" _Luce…c'mon. I'd like to talk about it." Carter said softly. "Please don't run off."_

" _Not now Carter." She said, opening the door and practically sprinting out of the diner._

She knew it wasn't right for her to just leave like that. And she knew she would eventually have to talk to him about what happened. But what was she supposed to say? He caught her in a weak moment where they were getting along and she let her hormones get the better of her. She acted like a teenager with no self-control and it was embarrassing. But they had fundamental problems in their previous relationship, the kind of problems that don't just go away after sex.

Opening herself up to Carter again was dangerous. The last time she did it, it nearly destroyed her. He nearly destroyed her. She remembered one night right before they broke up. They had argued on the roof and Romano found her there crying.

" _Ms. Knight, pardon me for being so blunt, but I did not spend all that time and effort to make sure you didn't die on the operating table that night for the express purpose of watching you cry on the roof over a boy." Romano chastised her._

 _She shook her head, looking over at him and rolling her eyes. "It's not over a boy, Dr. Romano. It's over Carter."_

 _He laughed. "Exactly my point. You're crying over a boy." He sighed. "Ms. Knight, you're going to find this lesson out eventually but let me help you out. Any male who leaves a woman crying alone in the cold over them is a boy, not a man. A real man would stay, try to calm you down, or at the very least insist you get out of the cold. Since Carter didn't do any of those things, he is therefore a boy and not worth another one of your tears."_

" _With all due respect, you don't understand." Lucy said, starting to stop her tears. It was embarrassing to be crying in front of Dr. Romano. "I love him."_

" _I'm sure you do." He conceded. "But you have to ask yourself if this is the way you want to be treated by someone you love."_

" _He's just upset because of his grandmother's death."_

" _I'm sure that is upsetting." He reasoned. "Do you want some more free advice before I start charging you?"_

 _She couldn't help but chuckle. "Sure."_

" _You are young, talented and beautiful. Thanks to me and Lizzie, you have your whole life ahead of you. I'd take this time to focus on your career." He paused for a moment. "What kind of doctor do you want to be?"_

 _She didn't have to think twice before answering. "A surgeon. I want to specialize in cardio-thoracic surgery." She had made that decision shortly after the attack once she found out everything Dr. Romano and Elizabeth had to do to keep her alive. It was beyond fascinating and she wanted to be able to do it for other people._

 _He couldn't help but smile. "Wow, one of the hardest specialties. I wasn't expecting that. Ok. If you are serious, then I may have an opportunity for you with a buddy of mine from college. He is the second best cardio-thoracic surgeon in the country, with me being number one of course."_

 _She smiled and tried not to laugh. "Of course."_

" _He runs a program in St. Louis. Are you interested?"_

 _She looked at him strangely. "Maybe. But why are you being so nice to me?"_

 _He sighed. "I know I have a reputation for being a son of bitch around here. People don't like me and that's alright. Truthfully, I embrace it because it works for me. But I like you Lucy. I see a great potential in you that I haven't seen before in anyone except Lizzie. I'll make some calls to my buddy and see if something can be worked out. Then you can make your decision."_

" _Thank you." She told him, really meaning it. Going to St. Louis may be good for her career but wouldn't be good for her relationship with Carter. Though to be honest, she wasn't sure her relationship with Carter was going to last anyway. Maybe she should listen to Romano and focus on her career._

" _No need to thank me." Romano grinned. "Just don't let on to the others that I may actually have a heart."_

 _She laughed. "Deal."_

" _Now please get out of this cold." He chuckled, holding the door to the roof open for her._

She splashed water on her face one more time. Today was important. She could deal with Carter later. Right now, she had to clear her mind.

* * *

When Lucy entered Rebecca's room, she saw Romano kissing her on the forehead. "Oops. Sorry to interrupt."

They both looked over.

"It's ok." Rebecca smiled.

"Yeah." Romano agreed. "It's ok. I should probably get changed into scrubs anyway."

Lucy looked at him strangely. "Scrubs?"

"So I can be in the operating room." Romano proclaimed.

"When did we decide that?" Lucy chuckled.

"I just assumed…"

"I'm not sure that's the best idea though." Lucy interrupted. "You have this nasty little habit of backseat surgeoning."

Rebecca laughed, causing Romano to look back at her.

He then looked back at Lucy. "Backseat surgeoning?"

"Yeah." She laughed. "I don't want you to be in there questioning every move I make or don't make. Remember when you came and observed one of my surgeries in St. Louis? You wouldn't stop talking about how you would do this or wouldn't do that."

"What if I promise to be as quiet as a church mouse?" Romano asked.

Lucy sighed, then looked over at Rebecca. "What do you think?"

"I think you could always let him observe but then reserve the right to kick him out if he starts getting on your nerves." Rebecca answered.

Lucy nodded. "That seems like a fair compromise."

"Thank you." Romano nodded. "I'll see you in surgery." He went back and gave Rebecca one more kiss. "You'll be fine."

"I know." Rebecca told him, watching him leave. "Thanks for letting him inside the OR. He is more nervous than he wants to admit."

"I can tell." Lucy nodded, going to sit on her bedside. "Are you nervous?"

"I'm having open heart surgery." Rebecca laughed. "What do you think?"

Lucy smiled, taking her friends' hand. "I got this. It'll be a piece of cake."

"Mmn…a piece of cake." Rebecca groaned. "I'm so hungry."

"You can have all the cake you want once you are out of recovery." Lucy smiled.

"Can you promise me something?"

"Of course." Lucy agreed. "What is it?"

"If something should happen during the surgery…"

"Don't think like that!" Lucy interrupted her.

"Lucy, I'm having heart surgery. A million things could wrong. Just please promise me that if the worst does happen you will look after Robert? You know he thinks of you like a daughter. Just please promise me you won't let him…"

"I promise." Lucy agreed. "But it is a moot point because nothing is going to go wrong. You will be fine."

"Thank you Lucy."

She noticed Rebecca was studying her face. "What?"

"You…" Rebecca said. "There's something different." Her eyes went wide. "OMG, you had sex with Carter last night, didn't you?"

"What?" Lucy practically screeched. "How the hell can you tell…I mean, no."

Rebecca laughed. "You did, didn't you?"

"Yeah." Lucy sighed, knowing she couldn't lie about it now. "How could you tell?"

"Your skin is glowing a little, and there is a look of pure panic in your eyes." Rebecca explained.

"Seriously?" Lucy questioned. First Carter noticed she was panicking and now Rebecca? "I thought I had conquered the look of pure panic this morning."

"Sorry, but I can still see it." Rebecca chuckled. "So what happened?"

"I'm so embarrassed." She put her head in her hands. "It's a long story but it ends with us having sex in the bathroom of a diner."

Rebecca laughed loudly. "Oh my god! I have got to hear this story!"

Thankfully for Lucy, the pre-op nurses came in at that moment. "Thank God! I'm saved by the nurses!" Lucy exclaimed. "Are you ready to go up?"

"Yeah, I guess." Rebecca groaned. "But you still owe me that story."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." Lucy sighed. "I'll tell you later."

"I'm going to hold you to that!"

* * *

"Alright everyone! Let's get this party started!" Lucy announced as she approached the surgical table in her mask, gown and gloves. "How is the patient?"

"She is pleasantly dreaming by now." Dr. Babcock, the anesthesiologist answered.

"Good." Lucy smiled. "Is everybody ready?" She looked over at Romano while everyone said they were prepared. He gave her a small nod.

"Ok." Lucy released a deep breath. "Scalpel please." The nurse handed her the instrument. "Let's record the first cut. Starting at 7:25"

* * *

It was relatively easy to get Rebecca's surgery started and to place her heart on bypass. Everything was going as expected until she got in there and saw the damage for herself. "Shit." She whispered as softly as possible. She had been working for over an hour to get the damage repaired, trying every trick up her sleeve. But it was no use.

"Ok. We need to prepare for the Ross procedure." Lucy asked.

"You can't fix it the traditional way?" Romano spoke up.

Lucy had to hand it to him. Until now, he had been patient and quiet. Without tearing her eyes away from the work in front of her, she replied. "No. I can't. There's just too much damage."

"Dammit Lucy! I really thought you would be able to just repair it."

Romano was starting to get more agitated and Lucy took a deep breath. He wasn't the only one who thought she would be able to repair it. She thought the same thing. But there was damage that didn't show up on the previous tests. "Well I can't. So the next step is to try the Ross procedure and try to autograft it from the aortic valve. How is the patient doing? Any signs of distress?"

"Not a single sign of distress." Dr. Babcock replied.

"Good. Let's keep it that way." Lucy looked at the new instruments in front of her. She knew that every moment she wasted was another moment for this operation to go south. So she had to be quick but precise. "Ok. Let's get started."

* * *

Lucy looked at the clock and grimaced when she saw how much time had passed. She then let her eyes meet Romano's. "We're gonna have to do a full replacement."

"What the hell is going on over there Lucy?" Romano yelled.

"This graft isn't sticking." Lucy replied, trying again to make it work.

"Why isn't it sticking?" Romano questioned.

"If I knew that, I would be able to figure out a way around it." Lucy replied. "But no matter what I do, it will not stick."

"Well are you doing a mechanical or a biologic valve?" Romano questioned further.

"The On-X aortic mechanical valve. That's what we agreed upon." Lucy replied.

"Damn it! Lucy! We didn't agree on anything about this!" Romano yelled.

"Rebecca and I agreed." Lucy sighed. "I went over it with her before I came here."

"I should have been a part of that conversation." Romano insisted.

"I'm sorry you weren't consulted." Lucy apologized, looking over at him. "She wanted to make the decision herself."

"This is bullshit." Romano said.

"If you're going to be like this, I think you need to leave." Lucy told him, glad they brought in the valve so she could get started.

"Fine." He conceded. "I'll leave, but you better not kill her."

* * *

Lucy watched him stalk out of the OR. His words and anger hurt, but she could focus on that later. Right now she still had a job to do. She looked at the other people with her, who looked shocked at his outburst. "Show's over, folks. You heard Romano, let's get back to work and not kill her."

Lucy looked over the chart on the iPad and sighed. The surgery, which should have only taken four hours, ended up taking closer to six. But at least she was able to get the valve replaced and now Rebecca was in the Surgical Recovery ICU. Everything so far looked good.

It wasn't fun to watch her friend have to be on a breathing tube and hooked up to a bunch of different machines, but she consoled herself that once Rebecca woke up they could start taking some of the machines away.

She heard the glass door to Rebecca's room slide open. Although she had her back to the door, she knew who came in. "I didn't kill her." Lucy stated mater of factly.

"Lucy…" Romano sighed.

"It doesn't matter." Lucy replied, because at this moment it truly didn't matter. "I'll leave you alone for a bit." She left the room before he had a chance to object. Walking down the hallway, she finally settled on a chair. Sitting down, she let out a heavy sigh. Then she took off her scrub cap, leaned her head against the wall and closed her eyes.

It was only a few moments later that she felt someone sit next to her. Turning, she opened one eye. It was Carter. He was smiling at her with a goofy grin. "You look way too happy."

He laughed. "And you look way too under-caffeinated." He retorted. "Here. I brought you a coffee."

She sat up and noticed the cup in his hand. "Thank you." She said softly as she took the cup.

"I heard that the surgery went well and that you are a rock star." Carter told her. "Everyone is talking about it."

She took a sip of the warm coffee and scoffed. "I don't know about being a rock star. I couldn't salvage her valve and had to do a replacement. Everything I tried in there to repair it just didn't work."

"I'm sure you did everything you could though. That makes you a rock star to me." He smiled.

She looked over at him. He looked so happy right now. A part of her just wanted to burrow into his arms and never come out. But she couldn't do that. They had to talk about last night. "Carter, look…about last night."

"We don't have to talk about it right now." He insisted.

It wasn't like him to change his mind about things like that. "I thought you wanted to talk about it."

"I changed my mind." He announced. "We don't need to over-analyze what it may or may not mean right now."

"Ok." She nodded. "I should probably go check on Rebecca. Thank you for the coffee though." Without thinking, she gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Do you want to have dinner tonight?" He asked.

"I…"

"I'm not taking no for an answer." He warned.

"I just don't want to leave the hospital yet." She thought maybe that would deter him.

"We can have dinner here then." He suggested. "And I guarantee it will not be hospital food."

She stood up and gave him a small smile. "I guess my answer is yes then."

"Great. How about I meet you back here around 7?" He smiled, getting up and kissing her on the forehead.

"I'll see you then." She watched as he left, wondering what she had gotten herself into now. But she would worry about that later. First thing she needed to do was check on Rebecca. She softly entered the room, noticing that Romano was in the chair next to her bed, stroking her hand and whispering something to her. She turned to leave sine it seemed like a private moment but Romano turned around.

"Lucy, wait." He called out.

"I can come back." She told him.

"Please stay." He asked in a gentle tone.

He watched her as she walked over to the other side of Rebecca's bed. She could still feel his eyes on her as she checked the various machines.

"I have to apologize for my behavior in the OR." He started. "It wasn't fair of me to blame you for what happened or Rebecca shutting me out of the decision making process."

"No, it wasn't." Lucy conceded. "I know you're worried about her. You have every right to be. But that behavior…that is why they don't allow people to operate on their loved ones. That is why I should have stuck to my guns and not let you in there in the first place. You couldn't be objective and you let your emotions get in the way."

"You're right." Romano chuckled. "Are we ok?"

"Of course we are." She chuckled softly. "It would take more than one lousy outburst to scare me away."

"Good." He smiled. "Because I need a favor."

She scoffed. "Another one?"

"Yes, another one." Romano rolled his eyes. "I don't want to wait to marry her."

"Well you have to wait until she is at least conscious." Lucy teased.

"Thank you Ms. Knight for that brilliant analysis."

"You're welcome." She smirked.

"What I'm saying, is I know she wanted to elope. And I know she didn't understand why I wanted a bigger wedding."

"I don't understand that either, just for the record." Lucy pointed out.

"If you'll be quiet for a moment I will explain it." Romano sighed in an overly-exaggerated way. "All my adult life I've had my career to make me happy. And that used to be enough. It was ok to just have pride in my work and get enjoyment from that. But then you just had to go and introduce me to Rebecca. And I fell very hard and very fast for her. By some miracle she can actually put up me."

"A part of me wanted a big wedding as a way to throw up my middle finger to everyone around here and show them that although I've been a bastard to most of them…there was someone in the world who truly loved me."

"Oh." Lucy nodded. "That makes sense."

"But I don't need that kind of validation. I just need her." He looked at Rebecca and brushed a piece of her hair behind her ear.

"So what is this vague favor you want to ask me for now?" Lucy asked.

"I want you to help me arrange a wedding as soon as possible." Romano answered.

"Like in a week when she gets out of the hospital?" She asked, unsure of when he meant.

"No. Like tomorrow or the next day." Romano corrected her.

"That soon?" Lucy questioned.

"Yes." He nodded.

"Ok." She conceded.

"And I want it to be a surprise." He added.

Lucy smiled. She had a feeling Rebecca would love this surprise. "I'll take care of everything."

"Thank you." Romano smiled back at her.

* * *

A few hours later, Rebecca started to stir. Lucy was keeping watch over her, while Romano was snoring softly in the chair. When Lucy noticed the hand movements, she smiled and threw her empty coffee cup at Romano's head. "Hey. Wake up!"

"I'm awake." Romano grumbled. Then he looked over at Rebecca. "Hey."

Lucy started checking her vitals and pulse ox. Then she leaned over. "Rebecca, you can't talk because of the breathing tube. Your vitals look ok though. Do you want to try and take it out?"

Rebecca nodded.

"Ok. Hold on." Lucy put on a pair of gloves. "Ok. On the count of three I need you to cough. One…two…three…" When she heard Rebecca cough, she pulled the breathing tube out. "Better?"

"Yes." Rebecca whispered.

Romano already had a cup of water with a straw ready and let her drink a little. "You made it."

"Of course." Rebecca smiled. "Was there ever any doubt?"

"Never." Lucy smiled.


	4. History Repeats Itself

Broken Dreams and Silent Screams

A/N: Hopefully those of you still reading are still enjoying this story!

Chapter Four

"And that's how it happened." Lucy closed her eyes and shook her head out of embarrassment as she finished telling Rebecca the story of how she found herself having sex with Carter in the bathroom of a diner.

"Wow." Rebecca stated. "So have you lied to him and told him it didn't mean anything yet?"

Lucy looked at her friend with wide eyes. "What do you mean?"

"I've known you for several years now. And one of the things I know with absolute certainty is that you are still 100% in love with John Carter. There hasn't been a day I've known you that you haven't been, and there won't be a day where you aren't." Rebecca explained. "But I also know that because of your past with him you are deathly afraid of admitting it to him or anyone else. So therefore you will lie to him and tell him it means nothing. Am I right?"

Lucy begrudgingly nodded and chuckled. "Sometimes I wish you didn't know me so well. When did you get so wise?"

"I don't have all the answers Lucy." Rebecca told her. "I could be wrong to encourage you to go for it with Carter. Or I could be right. But if I had a choice between being miserable without the man I love or attempting to be with the man I love…well personally I would do whatever I could to be with the man I love."

"You already did by moving to Chicago." Lucy pointed out.

"Very true!" Rebecca smiled. "Just please consider letting go of your fear and giving Carter another chance?"

"I'll think about it." Lucy conceded. "So how are you feeling?"

"Ok I guess, considering." Rebecca replied. "I still don't understand why you have to keep bending my legs like that though You've been doing it for a half hour now."

"It's to reduce the risk of a clot." Lucy explained with a laugh. "It's the same reason why you have these fancy hose on." Lucy was going to ask her friend something else when Romano came back into the room.

"Hey." He greeted, going over to the other side of her bed. "Did I interrupt girl talk?"

"Yeah. But it was nothing important." Lucy shrugged. She checked her watch and saw it was quarter to seven. "Well you look like you are in very capable hands so I am going to do a couple things and I'll be back later." She smiled at both Romano and Rebecca. "I won't be far though so just page me if you need me."

"We'll be fine." Romano assured her.

"Hey Lucy?" Rebecca called out, making her turn around.

"Yeah?" Lucy asked.

"Thank you." Rebecca smiled.

"You're welcome." She smiled back. Lucy left Rebecca's room and then headed to Romano's office. He let her keep her bag in there and she needed some of the stuff in the bag to get ready for her dinner with Carter. She would have to settle for jeans and the t-shirt she brought, but it was better than scrubs. And at least she had a hair brush, some deodorant and concealer. So she could redo her ponytail, keep from smelling bad and try to hide the dark circles under her eyes from lack of sleep.

It only took her ten minutes to get to Romano's office, change and then get back to the surgical ICU hallway to meet Carter. She thought about what Rebecca said and wondered if maybe she shouldn't lie to Carter and tell him that last night meant nothing to her. In theory it sounded like a great plan. But was she brave enough to do it?

And if she did admit that it meant something to her, then what? As stupid as it sounded, she was still hurt by the things he said to her before they broke up. The words echoed in her brain sometimes when things were too quiet and she would let her mind wander to him. Then there was also the fact that they lived in two different states.

The more she thought about it, the more she was convinced she needed to put a stop to this, whatever it was that was going on. It had gone too far already. She had to tell him that she didn't are about him, even though that was a big lie. She would just get through the rest of her time in Chicago and then go home. Once back home, she would forget about Carter once and for all.

The doors opened and Carter strolled through wearing a smile. She couldn't help but smile back. It was like he was contagious. One look at him and everything she convinced herself flew out the window.

"How is Rebecca?" He asked, stopping right in front of her.

"She's doing well." Lucy nodded, surprised that he asked about her. It meant a lot to her that he would ask.

"Are you ready for dinner?" He held out his arm for her to take.

"Of course." She chuckled, linking her arm as they started to walk. "So if we aren't having cafeteria food but we are staying in the hospital, then what are we doing?"

"You'll see." He led her to the elevator. "Ladies first."

She got into the elevator and watched as he got in and pushed the button for the roof. "Now I see what you have in mind."

"I always have a few tricks up my sleeve." He assured her.

The elevator ride was short, but to her it lagged on forever. She was close enough to him to smell his cologne and realized that today he was wearing her favorite scent. He wasn't wearing it yesterday, which meant that he put it on today on purpose. She could feel her resolve weakening with every moment she was close to him.

The doors dinged and they got out. He then led her to the other side of the roof, away from the helipad. There was a blanket spread out, with a picnic basket and food.

"You did all of this?" Lucy asked, going over and sitting on the blanket. It was then she saw that he brought Chinese food. It reminded her of their first date.

"I thought if you couldn't go to the Chinese place, I'd bring it to you." He said, sitting next to her.

"That's sweet of you." She said. Before she knew what was happening, he was leaning in closer. Their lips touched and he gently cradled her face. Although she had things she wanted to say, her mind went blank. She didn't stop kissing him as she moved, finding herself lying on her back. His hands roamed around her body as they kissed and she shivered when one of his hands found their way underneath her shirt.

His touch made her mind work again and she put her hand on his chest. This made him stop. Both were out of breath. She moved to sit up again. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." He shook his head as he sat up again.

"I don't know what to say anymore." She admitted.

"Me either." He admitted.

"Last night…I'm embarrassed about it." She blushed. "I don't…I haven't done something like that before. I want you to know I don't drag guys into public bathrooms on a regular basis."

"I don't either." He chimed in with a grin.

"But there is something about you that makes me lose all control." Lucy told him. "I get around you and I forget everything that has happened and I forget that we didn't work out as a couple. I just see you and then my mind goes blank."

That was why being around him was so dangerous. She forgot everything that happened and all of the pain. She forgot how she was treated by him and could only focus on her feelings. Deep down she knew she was just using any reason possible to run away in a futile effort to protect herself. But she couldn't help herself. How were they supposed to make their relationship work now when they couldn't so many years ago? What could have changed?

He should have known better than to kiss her like that tonight. He could only imagine what she thought of him now. She must think he was some kind of sex-crazed guy. To be honest though, that wasn't too far from the truth. When Lucy admitted she loses control around him, he felt more at ease. That was the same way he felt around her.

"If it helps any, I feel the exact same way." He declared. "I don't see the pain of the past. I just see you."

"But the past existed." She pointed out.

"Yeah." He nodded. There was nothing they could do to erase it or pretend it didn't happen. He still foolishly wished for such a thing to exist. "Lucy, last night…"

"It was a mistake that shouldn't have happened and I'm sorry that I let it get this out of control." She interrupted, finishing his sentence.

"Why do you say that?" He asked, confused.

"Last night, all we did was forget about the past." She reasoned. "But the past happened. I can't keep forgetting about the past and neither can you."

"Then let's talk about it and get past it." He suggested.

"Even if we could get past what happened, I think we would be better off as friends."

"You want to be friends?" He didn't want to be friends. He wanted more than that. And while he could understand how she wouldn't believe that, he thought he might have a chance to make her believe it.

"Yes." She nodded. "We have a very complicated history, and I don't see a romantic future for us."

He felt his heart sink when she said she didn't see them having a romantic future. All of his dreams revolved around them having a future. He was starting to think that it was fate Romano called her in to do Rebecca's surgery because it brought her back into his life. "You want to be just friends and nothing more?" He checked.

"Yes."

"I don't want to be friends. I still love you Lucy. I never stopped." He proclaimed loudly.

She was quiet for a moment before talking again. "I'm not in love with you though."

He was starting to get angry now. He could tell it was a lie. Her eyes gave her away every time she tried to lie. He couldn't help himself from saying this next thing. "Damn it Lucy! You always do this. You always try to run away when things get hard or uncomfortable. You've done it time and time again. But I'm done running after you. I'm tired of it."

"When did you run after me?" She scoffed. "I left for St. Louis and you didn't try to stop me or anything. So don't give me that crap about running after me."

"In your note you told me not to follow you and you didn't tell me where you going. You just said you wanted me to leave you alone. What was I supposed to do?" Carter asked.

"You were supposed to fight for me! You were supposed to protect me!" Lucy screamed.

"Are we really going back to the night of the attack?" He sighed. "Why does everything always have go back to that night?"

"Maybe because that night changed our lives forever?" She guessed, her voice growing softer. "But I'm not talking about that night. I'm talking about what happened at your grandmother's memorial service. You said you loved me. I thought loving someone meant you would protect and defend them. I was obviously wrong though because you didn't do that. You actually joined in."

He hung his head. "Damn it Lucy…I was…I was grieving. I didn't know what the hell I was saying, and then the next thing I know you were gone! You didn't even give me a chance to apologize!"

"You were cruel." She corrected him as tears appeared in her eyes. "You knew exactly what words to say to hurt me the most. You took all of my insecurities and worst fears and threw them right back in my face. Grieving or not, that was low."

"I'm sorry!" He exclaimed. "If I could go back and change things, I would. But I can't."

"No." She agreed. "You can't change the past."

"We can work through this though." He told her, hoping she would see that. He was certain she still loved him and he knew he still loved her. There had to be a way to repair it.

"I don't think we can." She stood up. "I'm sorry John."

He stood up as well, watching as she practically sprinted away from him. "Lucy! Stop running away from me!" Although he called after her, she didn't stop. He was conflicted. A part of him wanted to run after her, while another part of him thought maybe she just needed some time. Sighing, he walked over to the edge of the roof and looked out at the city. She was completely right. He was cruel to her at his Gamma's memorial service and he should have protected her better. There was no defense good enough for his behavior.

* * *

Lucy used the time in the elevator to compose herself and dry her tears. Telling him that she didn't love him was the biggest lie she had told in her whole life. But it had to be done. Right?

She knew she couldn't go back to Rebecca's room yet because she was still too upset. It would raise too many questions that she didn't want to answer. So she decided to go down to the ER. Maybe she could go over to Doc Magoo's for old times' sake. The elevator dinged and she got out. She didn't have time earlier today to walk around the ER before Romano dragged her upstairs so she took her time and walked around.

Thankfully the temporary id badge Romano had gotten for her earlier meant she could walk around the ER without being bothered. She nodded hello to some of the nurses she knew who were working and found herself standing in front of trauma room 2. There wasn't anyone in there at the moment so she went inside. Looking around, she remembered the last time she was in this room.

 _Lucy helped roll the gurney into the trauma room. "Ok, let's get her hooked up to the monitors and an IV in. I want a complete lab workup, CBC, Chem 7, blood gas, everything." She looked over at Carter, who was hooking up the heart monitor. "Carter, what happened?"_

" _Gamma…we were talking…she said her head hurt and she got dizzy. Then she just passed out." He replied, putting the last part of the heart monitor on her._

" _Ok." Lucy sighed. She hated to admit it out loud but it sounded like maybe a stroke. Before she had a chance to say anything else, alarms started blazing and Millicent started seizing. Moments later, she started to vomit too. "Ok. Get 10 of diazepam pushed in the IV and let's roll her." She looked over at Carter. "You should probably leave the room."_

" _I'm not leaving." Carter insisted._

" _Carter…this is your grandmother." She stated. "You can't be treating her."_

" _Fine." He sighed, throwing up his hands in defeat. "But I'm staying in the room."_

 _She could live with that compromise. Once the seizure stopped, they rolled Millicent back. "Let's protect her airway. Get me a 7.5." She worked quickly to get the breathing tube in and had Chuny start bagging her. She looked at the monitors and knew she had to get a CT to see what they were dealing with. But she knew in her heart it was a stroke._

 _Before she could order the CT, the alarms on the monitors went off again._

" _She's in V-fib." Chuny announced._

" _Keep bagging her." Lucy commanded as she started CPR. "Let get a round of Epi in and start charging the paddles to 300."_

" _Paddles are charged." Chuny told her._

" _Ok. Everyone clear." Lucy used the paddles to shock Millicent. She stared at the monitor and saw that it didn't have any effect. "Charge em again." She went back to doing CPR until it was charged up again. "Ok clear!" She shocked Millicent again but there was no response._

" _Charge to 350 and give another round of Epi." Lucy commanded. The paddles charged quickly and she shocked the woman again._

" _There's no change." Chuny reminded her._

" _Again!" Lucy commanded, looking over at Carter. There was a lost look on his face that she had never seen before and it broke her heart. She only vaguely noticed Dr. Greene standing next to him, though she had no idea when he arrived._

 _The paddles were charged so she called, "Clear!" But there was no change on the monitor. "Another round of Epi. Let's charge it to 400 this time."_

" _Clear!" She shocked the woman again, noting there was still no change._

" _Asystole." Chuny announced._

 _Lucy didn't feel like she could stop, even though the voice in her head told her that the woman was already gone. "Again!"_

" _Lucy!" Dr. Greene called out. "No."_

" _Dr. Greene…" She started CPR again, only stopping when he touched her arm. "I can't…"_

" _I know." He nodded sympathetically. "But you have to call it."_

 _Lucy looked over at Carter, who had his head hung down. Then she looked at the clock. With a tremble in her voice she reluctantly called it. "Time of death, 13:54." When she looked over to see Carter again, he was gone._

"Lucy?"

A voice called her name and she turned to see Morris standing in front of her. "You ok?" He asked.

She laughed. "No, I don't think I am anymore."

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"It's nothing." She shrugged, seeing him look at his watch.

"I thought you and Carter were having dinner. Is it already over?"

"It was over before it began." She sighed.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked. "I have been told on several occasions that I am a wonderful listener."

She couldn't help but smile. "I don't know…you're friends with Carter. It might be weird and a conflict of interest."

"Ok." He nodded. "Just let me know if you change your mind."

"Thanks." She said as her pager went off. There was only one person in this hospital that had her pager number. 911 was the message. "Shit!" She didn't even say bye to Morris, just started running. She didn't wait for the elevator, instead she opted to run up several flights of stairs. She pushed her way through the doors of the surgical ICU and headed towards Rebecca's room, stopping in the doorway as she looked inside and saw her worst nightmare.

The machines were droning with the dreaded continuous monotone. Doctors and nurses were surrounding the bed, charging the paddles and doing CPR. Romano was in the corner, looking on helplessly.

She wanted to jump in and somehow save the day, but her feet seemed glued to the floor. She watched as they tried to shock her three more times. But it didn't work.

"I'm sorry Dr. Romano." The doctor sighed. "Time of death, 20:24."

"EVERYONE OUT!" Romano roared. "NOW!"

She moved out of the way for everyone to leave, unsure if that meant her too or not. She stayed quiet, afraid to cry or speak. One thought kept repeating over and over in her brain. This couldn't be happening. This couldn't be happening.

When she left to go have dinner with Carter, Rebecca was fine. All of her post-surgery films and labs looked great. She was talking and laughing. There was nothing that suggested this would happen. And now…she was dead. She had been staring at Rebecca until she heard a loud crash. It made her jump and she looked over to see Romano throwing things across the room. Trays, chairs and other objects fell as they hit the floor.

She went over to Rebecca and took out the breathing tube slowly. Then she pulled the sheet up to her chest and gently placed her arms on the outside of the sheet. She kissed Rebecca's forehead.

She then looked over at Romano, who was sitting on the floor with his knees to his chest and his head in his hands. Without saying a word, she sat down next to him. A few moments later, she wrapped her arm around his shoulder and brought his head to rest on her shoulder.

It didn't take long for him to start crying.

* * *

Carter stood in the doorway, watching the scene play out in front of him. Lucy and Romano were huddled on the floor together. They looked like they were holding on to each other for dear life. Lucy was sitting with an unreadable expression on her face, while Romano was sobbing. The sight of Dr. Romano crying was jarring. He looked at the bed, where Rebecca was and felt bad for them.

He was downstairs getting ready to see a patient when Morris stopped him and told him about the page Lucy had received. When he found out how upset she seemed, he knew it had to do with Rebecca so he rushed up here. He wasn't sure how long he had been in the doorway.

He looked back at Lucy and Romano, realizing that they were staring right at him.

Without a word, Lucy untangled herself from Romano and slowly walked over to him. He thought about what he could possibly say to her, but anything he came up with sounded lame and hollow.

She stopped right in front of him, staring at his face for a moment. Then she put her hand on his chest and shoved him out of the room. Before he knew what was happening he found himself flat on the floor. He got back up and saw the door to the room was slid shut right in his face.


	5. Be Better

Broken Dreams and Silent Screams

Chapter Five

Lucy got up from the chair and slowly folded the blanket she used last night. After a few hours, she managed to get Romano to finally leave the hospital. She used his car to drive them back to his place…the one he had shared with Rebecca. She got him settled into bed and then came downstairs.

She didn't want to leave him alone so she stayed out of his way. She paced for most of the night, occasionally staring at the various pictures in the living room of Romano and Rebecca that hung on the walls and mantle. There was also one of the three of them from a dinner they shared while in St. Louis.

Sleep didn't come last night. While pacing, she replayed the surgery and everything that followed afterwards in her head over and over. She tried to think of something she missed, something that she did wrong so she could understand Rebecca's death. There had to be something she did wrong. But she was no closer in finding the answers now than she was last night.

She still hadn't cried either, but she attributed that to the promise she made Rebecca about taking care of Romano. She had to make sure he was taken care of first. Then she could fall apart. She had a suspicion that if she started to cry now, she wouldn't stop. And there was too much to do.

She decided last night that she would take care of planning the funeral so he didn't have to do that. She would have to make lists of everything that needed to be done so that she didn't forget anything.

But first she needed coffee.

She went to the kitchen and started to make a cup of coffee. Finding a pad of paper and pen on the refrigerator, she made her to do list. Lost in her own thoughts, she didn't notice Romano entering the room until he spoke.

"You didn't have to stay." He said quietly.

"I didn't mind." She told him. "Coffee is almost ready."

"Thanks." He nodded. "Doesn't feel real yet, does it?"

"No." She answered. "I'm going to plan the funeral for you. It's the least I can do."

"I think I will take you up on that offer, Ms. Knight." He replied, pouring both of them a cup of coffee.

She took a good look at him. He looked worn out, but worse than that. He looked completely defeated and dejected, as if the world had stomped out the happiness in his life. It wasn't the world that took his happiness away though. It was her. She had to have done something wrong in the surgery and now her friend and his love was gone.

"Did you get any rest last night?" She asked, taking a long drink.

"Not much." He shook his head. "The sheets still smell of her perfume."

She nodded slowly. She could only imagine how painful that must be for him.

Romano left the room for a moment and came back with a small book. "This was her address book." He laughed softly. "While other people kept that information in their phones, she still used the old fashioned address book approach." He touched the cover before he handed it to her. "This will help with the guest list."

"Thank you." She said, taking the book. "Is there anything I can get for you?"

"No." He shook his head, leaving the kitchen.

She watched and followed as he went to the living room and sat on the couch. Unsure what to do in this situation, she decided to leave and give him some time to process everything. "I guess I'll be back later, ok? And call me if you think of something you need."

"I'll be fine." Romano replied, not looking over at her.

She doubted he would be fine, but would have to trust that he could take care of himself for a while. She would come back later and check on him. Maybe she could bring him some lunch from his favorite deli to make sure he ate something.

Picking up her jacket and bag, she quietly left his place. Once outside, she realized she didn't have her motorcycle. She pulled out her phone and determined how far away her hotel was from Romano's place. It was only about three miles. She debated calling a cab, but decided that a long walk might help clear her thoughts.

When Lucy finally got back to her hotel and stepped off the elevator, she groaned. Sitting outside her hotel room door was Carter. She slowly approached the door, watching as he stood up.

"Hey." He greeted.

"What are you doing here Carter?" She sighed.

"My shift ended about an hour ago and I wanted to check on you." He explained. "But you weren't here so I waited."

"I was at Romano's last night." She explained, sticking the hotel key card in the machine and hearing the double beep.

"How are you doing?"

"How do you think I'm doing?"

"Yeah, that was a stupid question." He admitted. "Do you want to go grab a coffee or something? We could talk about her if that would help.'

She wasn't sure what would help at this point. But she was too exhausted to play this game with him. "Carter, why are you here?" She repeated her question.

"I'm worried about you." He told her.

"I'm not your responsibility." She told him. "You don't have to worry about me. Truthfully, you don't even have to think about me anymore."

"That's not true." He protested.

"It is true. Let it go. Let me go." She sighed. "And another truth is that you were right." She saw that he was confused so she elaborated. "If I had been a better doctor, or a better surgeon in this case, a lot of things would have been different. Goodbye Carter."

Without staying to hear his response, she entered her hotel room and shut the door in his face for the second time in 24 hours. She threw her stuff on the floor and headed to the bathroom, turning the shower on. She only made sure her phone was out of her pocket before stepping into the shower fully clothed. Letting the water wash over her, she thought back to the last memorial service she went to.

" _I feel really weird being here." Lucy told Carter as they walked into the church for his grandmother's memorial service._

" _Why?" He asked._

" _I've never met your family before." She replied. "A memorial service doesn't seem like the best time." She omitted the part about her being the one who worked on the deceased. That just made it more uncomfortable for her._

" _I need you here, Luce." He pleaded. "My family and I don't get along, and this is going to be a really hard day for me."_

" _Ok." She nodded, trying to squash the bad feeling she had about this. She wanted to support him, and this was the best way to do so. "Let's do this."_

 _They walked in and were soon greeted by his parents._

" _John, dear." His mother greeted, kissing him on the cheek._

" _Son." His father greeted with a smile._

" _Mom, dad. This is Lucy Knight." Carter introduced. "Lucy, these are my parents, Jack and Eleanor Carter."_

" _Hey, John…" A guy came up to them. "I need your help real quick."_

 _Carter looked at Lucy with an apologetic smile. "I'll be right back." He kissed her cheek and then ran off._

" _It's nice to meet you both." Lucy gave them a small smile. "I am sorry it has to be for this reason though."_

" _Yes." Eleanor replied. "Memorial services aren't much fun. I would imagine this one is especially not pleasant considering you practically killed the person."_

" _I'm sorry, what?" Lucy asked. She had to have heard them wrong._

" _You worked on Millicent in the emergency room, did you not?" Eleanor asked._

" _Yes." Lucy nodded._

" _And you let her die, did you not?" Eleanor questioned._

" _I…that's…she had a stroke. It was a massive stroke. I…" Lucy didn't know how else to explain it._

" _But you are supposed to be a doctor." Eleanor reminded her. "She had the stroke in the emergency room. There is no reason why you shouldn't have been able to save her from death."_

" _I'm not really sure you know how strokes work." Lucy mumbled. "Why are you like this?"_

" _I don't what you expected. But if you thought for one moment that we would be welcoming to you after everything you have done, then you are simply too naïve for this world." Jack stated._

 _Lucy wished Carter would hurry up and get back here because this was turning into a disaster._

" _First you manage to get our son stabbed due to your own incompetence in dealing with your patients." Jack continued._

" _He almost died, you know." Eleanor chimed in. "As it is, he will always be prone to renal problems because of the attack. But that wasn't enough for you, was it? You had to inflict even more misery upon him and this whole family."_

 _She didn't know how to respond to that. She had worked very hard to not blame herself for Carter getting attacked. But it wasn't like he was the only one who almost died. She had to have her chest cracked open and coded several times. But that didn't seem to matter to Carter's parents._

" _Which brings me to my second point." Jack replied. "You let my mother die. Now I don't know if it was just because you are still incompetent or you have a desire to cause our family grief. Frankly I don't care. I would just like you to leave my son and my family alone."_

" _I think you've caused enough grief here for one lifetime, don't you?" Eleanor asked._

" _I'm sorry." That was all Lucy could say. She never expected his parents to treat her like this and wasn't sure what else she could say._

" _That doesn't change anything." Jack told her. "The question remains, why are you even here? You don't belong here."_

" _Carter…"_

" _He would be better off without you, trust me on that." Eleanor shook her head. "You should just leave."_

 _She was already feeling guilty for her role in Millicent's death. Having Carter's parents voice her fears aloud was her worst nightmare. Although she wanted to be there for Carter today, she couldn't take it anymore. Without a word, she turned and hurried out of the church. She almost got to the sidewalk before Carter called out to her._

 _She stopped but didn't turn around. The last thing she wanted was to cause a scene. She debated whether or not to tell him what his parents said._

" _Lucy, there you are. What are you doing?" He questioned, lightly grabbing her arm and turning her around. "Where are you going?"_

" _I don't belong here." She replied in a soft voice. His parents might be right. She did bring a lot of grief and pain into Carter's life. It was like everything she touched turned rotten._

" _So you're just going to leave me alone at Gamma's memorial service because you feel insecure?" He asked, anger appearing in his voice. "Is this because my family is rich and yours isn't?"_

" _No." She assured him. She had a moment early in their relationship where she questioned if they could work as a couple since they were from different backgrounds, but she got over that. Or at least she thought she had until now. "It has nothing to do with that. Your parents hate me."_

" _They can't possibly hate you." Carter laughed. "They don't even know you!"_

" _Trust me on this!" Lucy insisted. "They hate me. Why can't you just believe me?"_

" _Why would you even think that they hate you?" Carter sighed._

" _They blame me for you getting attacked." She admitted. "They said so just a few minutes ago!"_

" _To be fair, they have blamed lots of things and people for that." Carter chuckled._

 _Lucy sighed. This was getting frustrating and she couldn't understand why he didn't realize she was upset and just wanted to leave. "They also blame me for your grandmother's death and told me that I killed her."_

 _She was expecting him to say something…anything about how it wasn't her fault and that his parents were wrong. But he just stayed silent and avoided eye contact with her. "Carter…"_

 _That's when everything started to make sense. He had been growing more and more distant since her death. She attributed that to grieving and gave him a free pass on his attitude, but the look on his face told her what she needed to know._

 _They stood there in silence for a moment._

" _Say it." She prodded softly. He was still being quiet. "Please, just say it."_

" _Say what?" He asked._

" _Say what you're thinking right now." She told him, praying she was wrong._

 _He sighed. "Look, this is the worst time to be having this conversation. The memorial service is going to start any minute now. Let's just go back inside and we can talk about all of this later."_

" _I'm not going back in there with your parents. They hate me and they aren't nice people." She shook her head. "So why don't you just say what you're thinking and get it over with. You think I killed her too."_

 _He threw his head back and sighed. "I think if you had been a better doctor, a lot of things in the past year or so would have been different."_

 _Carter's statement caught her off guard and she just stood there staring at him for a moment, trying to figure out why he would say that to her. "I didn't know you also blamed me for that night."_

" _Well if you could have handled the whole thing with Sobriki better, then we wouldn't have almost died!" He yelled._

" _I tried to handle it!" She yelled back. "But you didn't want to listen to me. Besides that, you were my teacher, Carter!" She fought back, getting angry. "You should have been listening to me and trying to teach me instead of ignoring and picking fights with me! You should have supervised me better!"_

" _I only did those things to keep you at arms length because I was doing my best not to jump your bones every day." He countered. "So forgive me for not being able to properly teach you."_

 _She ignored that comment, shaking her head to try to keep from crying. "And now you blame me for your grandmother's death as well as the attack?"_

" _She could have survived." He pointed out._

" _She had a_ _hemorrhagic stroke, Carter!" Lucy yelled. "At her age, the odds were not in her favor. I did everything I possibly could!"_

" _But if you had been a better doctor, she might have had a better chance." He argued._

 _In that split second, she made a decision. "I can't do this."_

" _Do what?" He sighed._

" _This." She said motioning between them._

" _So you aren't coming inside?" He asked, looking at his watch. "Because it's starting and I don't want to miss it."_

" _You go on in." She shook her head. "I'm not going."_

" _Damn it Lucy. I can't believe how selfish you're being right now."_

 _Without another word, she turned and left._

" _And now you're going to walk away." He called after her. "That's very mature!"_

Carter stretched on his bed, replaying the conversation he had with Lucy in his head. He immediately recognized the last words she said and cringed. He was a complete and total idiot on the day of his Gamma's memorial service. Though if he was being honest with himself, he was a jerk to her ever since Gamma's actual death.

At the time, he did wonder if there was something Lucy could have done differently to save his Gamma's life. He went through the whole scene frame by frame in his mind, trying to figure out what he would have done differently. Ultimately he realized he was lashing out at her because it was easier than dealing with the truth. He felt responsible for the stroke. The worst part was he didn't realize he was taking it out on her until after Lucy left.

" _What are you doing down here?" Carter asked as Lucy appeared next to him._

" _I am covering all ER surgical consults today." She smiled._

" _So I get to see you all day." Carter grinned. "Today just got much better."_

" _John!" Millicent called, waving her hand as she stood up in the waiting room._

 _Carter had just gotten to the admit desk to sign off on a chart when he heard his Gamma's voice. He turned and gave her a small smile as she approached him._

" _Do you have a moment to talk?" She asked._

 _He looked around. There were still several people waiting in chairs that needed to be seen, but there were no traumas currently and he figured Dr. Greene could handle things for a moment. "Sure."_

" _Can we talk somewhere in private?" She requested, looking over at Lucy._

" _Yeah." He nodded. "But actually, Gamma, this is Lucy."_

" _The Lucy?" Millicent chuckled. "My dear, I've heard a lot about you. John has talked about you incessantly for quite a while now."_

 _Lucy smiled. "Really? Incessantly?"_

" _Incessantly." Millicent nodded._

" _We can use one of the empty exam rooms over here." Carter said, pointing to the left._

" _Well it seems I have embarrassed him." Millicent sighed. "It was nice to meet you."_

" _You too." Lucy said._

 _Carter was quiet as he led her to the exam room. "Was that necessary?" He chuckled after he closed the door._

" _I'm sorry if that embarrassed you." Millicent apologized. "But that was the girl you've been pining over for some time, right?"_

" _Gamma…"_

" _Alright. I won't do it again." She conceded. "Besides, that wasn't the reason I wanted to talk to you. How are you?"_

" _I'm good." He nodded. "Very good actually."_

" _I'm glad." She smiled._

" _So what's going on Gamma?" He sighed. "I have a hard time believing this is purely a social visit."_

" _I do have an ulterior motive." She chuckled. "I've changed my will."_

" _Ok." Carter shrugged. He wasn't taking money from his trust anymore, and hadn't for some time. So he wasn't sure how this affected him._

" _Aren't you curious how I changed it?" She asked._

" _Not really." He chuckled. "I don't think it will affect me that much."_

" _It affects you more than you know." She told him. "I'm naming you my successor. Everything that is mine will be yours. That includes the money, houses, jet, the business and the foundation. You'll be named the President of the Carter Family Foundation and Chairman of the Board of the business."_

 _He took a moment for what she said to sink in. "No." He scoffed._

" _No?" Millicent repeated. "What do you mean no?"_

" _No." He shook his head. "There's no way I'm doing that."_

" _It's already been done." She informed him. "I've already changed the will and the papers have been filed. It is happening."_

" _No!" He yelled. "Damn it Gamma! I'm a doctor. You know how much I love being a doctor. I'm not a part of the business or the foundation. So no. I'm not doing it."_

" _John…" Millicent sighed. "Wouldn't you rather be in a business setting where people don't stab you in the back? In the business world, stabbing someone in the back is only metaphorical. Here it actually happened and you almost died."_

" _It only happened once." Carter sighed, not wanting to get into this argument again. This wasn't the first time Gamma had tried to get him to leave medicine. He suspected it wouldn't be the last time either._

" _Once is enough, John." Millicent replied, touching her head._

 _Carter looked at her. "Are you ok?"_

" _I just have a dreadful headache due to this fighting." She shook it off. "John, this is what I want for you. Please."_

" _I'm not leaving medicine." He shook his head. "You should go back and change your will to what it was before because I don't want it."_

" _I know you have spent your adult life trying to break away from this family." She told him. "What I don't understand is why. I know we aren't a perfect family. But no family is perfect. Why can't you do this for me?"_

" _Because I don't want to!" He finally yelled._

" _There's no need to shout, John…" She said._

 _Carter watched as she passed out. He managed to catch her before she hit her head on the floor and got her onto the nearby gurney._

He knew that it wasn't logical, but he blamed himself for quite a long time for his Gamma's stroke. It happened when they were arguing. She was trying to give him control of something that meant everything to her, and he basically was spitting in her face by being petulant and refusing it.

It wasn't until he had been in Africa for a couple of years that he realized exactly how he let everything fall apart with Lucy, and it started with that conversation he had right before his Gamma's stroke. He took out all of his anger at himself, his guilt and his grief on Lucy and it was not fair. She was right when she said it was cruel. He agreed with that.

In the moment he didn't even realize what he was doing. He knew that sounded like a cop-out but it was the truth.

And apparently the words he spoke that day have stayed with Lucy, as evidenced by her earlier comment. It seemed like now she was blaming herself for Rebecca's death. This wasn't a good thing. He had no idea how to help her though because she kept slamming doors in his face.


	6. Drunken Wisdom

Broken Dreams and Silent Screams

Chapter Six

Lucy knocked on Romano's door again. She had knocked for five minutes and rang the doorbell several times, but there was no answer. It took her longer than she expected to get everything set up for Rebecca's funeral. While she meant to bring him lunch, it turned into more like an early dinner.

She felt bad about taking so long, but at least she could tell him that she had everything done. Everyone had been invited and everything was set up for the funeral to be in three days. That gave Rebecca's cousins and aunt enough time to get to Chicago.

She was surprised that Rebecca hadn't told any of her family about her heart condition. She just assumed that her family was kept in the loop, but none of them even seemed to know she was in the hospital to begin with. It puzzled her, but it wasn't her place to questions why Rebecca kept it a secret.

Getting fed up with him not answering the door, she pulled out her spare key. Rebecca had given it to her about a year ago on the off chance she ever needed to get into the house. At the time she had argued against taking the key. She didn't see any reason why she would need it. Today she was grateful.

She unlocked the door and entered. "Hello?" She called out loudly. Room by room she checked for Romano but found the house completely empty.

It didn't take her long to realize where he had gone.

* * *

"Lucy!"

She heard her name being called and turned to see Morris walking towards her. She had just walked into the hospital and was on her way up to Romano's office.

"Hey." He greeted.

"Hey." She greeted back.

"How are you holding up?"

"I'm not sure anymore." She chuckled darkly.

"Well if you need anything…"

"Thanks." She interrupted.

"Also, what happened is spreading all over the hospital. I don't know if you are aware, but Romano apparently ordered an autopsy. He made them push her to the top of the list." He paused. "It was a pulmonary embolism. It wasn't a problem with the surgery, just was one of those freak things that no one can predict."

She knew that Morris was trying to make her feel better, but knowing that Rebecca died from a PE didn't make her feel much better. If she had been able to simply repair the damage, she would have been at a much lower risk of developing a PE. There was always a higher risk of developing a PE when you replace a valve instead of repairing it.

Still, she appreciated Morris telling her. "Thanks." She said, walking away. It didn't take her long to get to Romano's office. Taking a deep breath, she knocked softly.

"Go away!" Romano's voice boomed.

Relieved that she was right about him being at the hospital, she ignored his request and entered the room.

"That go away applies to you too." He said, pouring a scotch and practically downing it in one sip.

She looked at the bottle he was pouring from and could have sworn that it was half full yesterday. Now it was practically empty.

"I'm not going away." She told him defiantly, sitting in the chair across from his desk and propping her feet up on the desk.

"Normally that would amuse me, but not today." He shook his head. "I want to be left alone."

"I can't do that." She refused. "Especially after I've found you trying to drink your way to the bottom of the bottle."

He poured the rest of the bottle into the glass and drank it in two sips. "There. Now I've succeeded in reaching the bottom of the bottle." He chuckled. "But thankfully I have another one." He opened a desk drawer and pulled a new bottle out, slamming it on the desk. "Time to start another one."

"How much more do you plan on drinking?" She asked softly.

"Depends." He shrugged, looking her straight in her eyes. "How much do you think it will take for me to forget her?"

"I don't think you could forget her." She answered honestly. "So maybe you shouldn't drink yourself into a stupor."

"I don't need your advice." He rolled his eyes. "If I want to numb the pain with alcohol, then I'm going to do just that. Now go away."

"Nope." She shook her head.

"Fine." He sighed, rolling his eyes again. "Go away please."

"I can't." She refused.

"And why the hell not?" He yelled.

"I care about you Robert." She hoped using his first name would show that she was serious. In all the years they have known each other, she had called him Robert maybe two or three dozen times at the most. "You've always been there for me. You should let me be there for you this time. And I promised Rebecca I would look out for you."

"Don't…don't say her name." He pleaded.

"Why not?" Lucy asked.

"Just don't, ok?" He yelled.

"Ok." She agreed.

"It was a damn PE." He said after a few minutes of silence.

"That's what I heard." Lucy replied quietly. "I'm sorry…for everything."

"You did what you could." He sighed, shaking his head.

"It wasn't enough though."

He rolled his eyes and opened the bottle, drinking straight from it. "Honestly, I don't have it in me to be your personal cheerleader right now. So quit with the woe is me routine, alright? You lost a patient and a friend. I get that. But I lost the love of my life. I win, ok? I get to be a big mess right now. Not you. You want to be there for me? Then shut the hell up."

She wasn't expecting that reaction from him. A part of her was hurt by it but she wouldn't let it show. He was right about certain things. His grief was more profound than hers. "Ok."

He sighed. "You know I don't mean that."

"It's ok if you do though." She assured him. "But why don't we leave for a while? We could go downstairs and get you a banana bag to counter-act the alcohol. Or we could go get some coffee and maybe some food? You can talk about her, or not if you don't want to. We could talk about anything really…new surgical methods…why the new music being released sounds like crap compared to the oldies you like…We could even just sit in silence if you want. But let's get out of this office and away from the booze for a while. What do you say?"

He didn't say anything for a few minutes. She watched as he poured himself another full glass of scotch and grimaced when he finished the whole glass. While she was impressed with his ability to hold his liquor, she really needed to get him away from the booze.

"Did you really have sex with Carter in a dirty diner bathroom?" He finally broke his silence.

Her eyes went wide as she looked at him. That was the last thing she expected him to talk about. "Uh…"

"She told me about that." He scoffed. "You know, it was actually the last conversation we had before…" He trailed off, pouring more scotch into his glass. "So was she right? You and Carter?"

She wasn't sure how to proceed with this conversation. She was prepared to talk about anything else other than this. Talking about her sex life with him seemed wrong, but this was what he brought up and she did tell him they could talk about anything. So she was stuck.

"We did." She answered. "It was a weak moment and I'm not proud of it."

He scoffed. "That's a rookie mistake. You should always be proud of the moments that embarrass you. Always remember that the true weakness is not being able to own up to your mistakes."

"I'll try to remember that." She nodded. The fact that he was trying to dispel wisdom while drunk would have been funny in any other situation. Now it was just tragically sad.

"You know, she wanted you to get back together with him so badly. I think she had this vision of the four of going on double dates and vacations together." He mentioned, staring into the glass. "She even wanted me to talk to you about him. I don't know what the hell she expected me to be able to do. You know I've never been fond of Carter."

"Yes, I'm aware of that." She chimed in.

"In fact, if I knew that asking you back here would result in you going after Carter again, I would have thought twice about it. Perhaps it wasn't fair to bring you back here. You never wanted to come back. You refused to come back who many times?"

"At least a dozen." She reminded him.

 _Lucy feverishly knocked on Romano's door. She needed to speak to him and was glad she remembered where he lived from the time she showed up on his doorstep to ask him to do the surgery for Valerie Paige._

" _What the hell?" Romano yelled, opening the door. "Ms. Knight? What are you doing here?"_

" _I'm sorry to bother you at home Dr. Romano." Lucy apologized._

 _He looked at the luggage she had with her. "I hope you aren't planning on moving in. Don't get me wrong…I like you Ms. Knight, but not romantically."_

 _She looked at the bags and shook her head. "Um, no. It's a long story but I just moved out of the place I was staying with Carter and I'm on my way to get a hotel room. I just needed to know if you had talked to your friend in St. Louis about me because I really would like to get the hell away from this place and never look back."_

 _He looked at her for what seemed like an eternity before starting to grab her suitcases and put them in his entryway. She watched as he put all of them in a neat row._

" _Come on in Ms. Knight." He motioned, taking the two bags she had slung over her shoulder and placing them next to the suitcases. He brought her into his living room and had her sit down on the couch._

" _Do you drink scotch?" He asked, pointing to a bottle._

" _Not normally." She laughed nervously. "But this isn't exactly a normal day."_

 _He chuckled. " I know what you mean. This is a Macallen 18-year old single malt scotch. You'll find it can fix almost any problem." He fixed two scotches and then handed her one. "Forgive me for intruding, but since you have appeared on my doorstep I feel like I have more of a right to ask these questions. Why do you want to leave this city so badly? When we talked earlier you seemed hesitant because of this great love you have for the great John Carter."_

 _The sarcasm surrounding his description of her love for Carter wasn't lost on her but she ignored that. She stared at the drink in her hand before downing the whole glass. She then held on to the glass while she looked Romano straight in the eye and answered. "I realized you were right about Carter being a boy and not a man. A man who supposedly loves you doesn't treat you the way he treated me today. This city holds too many bad memories and I just need to get out before it swallows me alive."_

" _What happened?" He asked._

" _You know what happened with his grandmother, right?"_

" _Yeah." He nodded. "It's hard to keep anything a secret in that hospital. She had a stroke and died, right?"_

" _Yeah." She nodded. "And I was the one who ran the trauma when she coded. I was the one who pronounced her. When I went with him to the memorial today, his family blamed me for her death, as well as the attack on Valentine's Day." She paused for a moment. "And instead of defending me or saying anything comforting Carter decided to agree with them."_

" _What an idiot." Romano muttered._

" _He basically said I should have been a better doctor and then neither of those things would have happened." Lucy sighed._

 _Romano scoffed. "I feel I need to apologize on behalf of all males for Carter's behavior because that is plain wrong. Please tell me you at least slapped him or kicked him in his special area."_

" _No." She shook her head, laughing in spite of herself. "Maybe I should have. Instead, I left him at the memorial. I packed everything up that I own because I'm never going back there and I left a note breaking up with him. I don't want to talk to him or see him. I just want to get out of here and I want to start over somewhere new where I don't have the shadows of my past hanging over me everywhere I go." She explained. "I'm sorry to appear on your doorstep and unload this on you…I just…"_

" _It's alright." He assured her. "Just sit here, relax and let me go make a call."_

 _She watched as he left the room. After a few minutes she got up and started walking around the living room. They said you could tell a lot about a man by the way his house looked. It was very minimalistic and clean. There were only a few pictures up, and those were pictures of him winning awards or other distinctions. She wondered briefly if he had any family. The lack of family pictures suggested no._

" _Well you are in luck!" Romano clapped his hands together, entering the room again. "My buddy just got back from vacation today. I told him all about you and he says that if you can get there by tomorrow morning, you can be a part of his team."_

" _Really?" She was so happy she could cry. "Thank you Dr. Romano! I really can't thank you enough!"_

" _You can thank me by being the great doctor and surgeon I know you are, and by not letting Dr. Carter or anyone else for that matter make you feel inferior." He told her._

" _But…" She protested._

" _No, no, no…" He interrupted. "I'm going to stop you right there Ms. Knight. Did you try your best to save Carter's grandmother?"_

" _Of course." She nodded. "I did everything I could think of."_

" _And did you try to follow protocol on Valentine's Day with Mr. Sobricki?" He asked._

" _Yeah." She nodded._

" _Then let yourself off the hook." He advised. "If you can look yourself in the mirror and say without lying that you did everything you possibly could, then let that be enough. Don't let other people tear you down just because they feel like they have to. Be stronger than them and don't let it break you."_

" _It's easier said than done." She sighed._

" _Yes, it is." He acknowledged. "But you will be happier if you can do it."_

" _I'll keep that in mind." She told him, heading to the door._

" _Oh, and one more thing…" He said, causing her to look back. "Do you mind if terrorize Carter whenever I get a chance?"_

 _A small smile appeared on her face. "I don't mind at all."_

"I asked you back here selfishly because I wanted your help." Romano continued, pulling Lucy from her reverie. "I didn't think about what coming back here might do to you."

"I'm an adult." She pointed out. "I'm responsible for my own choices. I could have said no to coming here. I could have referred you to one of my colleagues. I could have stayed as far away from Carter as humanly possible. But this was the path I chose."

He chuckled and started to clap. "There you are! There's the Lucy Knight that owns up to her mistakes."

She couldn't help but chuckle despite herself.

Romano poured himself another glass and downed it quickly. "You know, she really believed you and Carter were fated to be together or some crap like that. I believe that he is a pissant who doesn't deserve you. But I guess you have to make your own mind."

"Can we please stop with the drinking now?" She asked again.

"Fine." He sighed, getting up. He tried to walk over to her but kept stumbling.

She hurried over to catch him, putting his arm around her shoulder so she could help him walk. She needed to do something to sober him up. Maybe she could get him downstairs and have Morris give him a banana bag full of vitamins and fluids. She could stay with him and monitor his vitals while he sobered up.

"C'mon." She encouraged. "You can do it."

"I know how to walk." He scoffed.

"Could have fooled me." She laughed as they got into the elevator.

"I don't need your help." He argued.

"I know." She said to placate him. When the elevator got them to the ER, she hoped Morris was still working and that Carter wasn't. But her hope was dashed when she ran straight into Carter.

"Ugh." Romano sneered. "It's this guy."

Lucy looked from Carter to Romano and tried to steer away from Carter, but Romano had other ideas.

"You know, you have got to be the biggest jerk I have ever known." Romano said loudly, slurring a couple of words.

"That's rich, coming from you Dr. Romano." Carter chuckled.

"Carter!" Lucy admonished.

"I realize I'm a jerk to people, but at least I'm not a complete ass to the people I supposedly love." Romano boasted.

"You don't know what you're talking about." Carter protested.

"Oh I don't?" Romano laughed. "I know more than you know that I know. You know?"

"Let's go." Lucy told Romano. "C'mon."

"No." Romano shook his head. "There's something I've wanted to do for a long time. Now seems like the perfect time." Without any warning, he broke free of Lucy and punched Carter squarely in the jaw.

Lucy watched as Carter fell to the ground. "This is getting out of hand. C'mon. Let's go." Before she could steer Romano to the exit, Carter got back up.

"That was a sucker punch." Carter announced, touching his jaw.

"Yeah it was." Romano laughed. "Because you got punched and you're a sucker."

"That's it." Carter sighed. He then moved to attack Romano but Lucy managed to get in between them.

"Stop it! Right now!" She yelled, putting her hand on Carter's chest and staring him in the face. His fist was poised and ready to hit. She considered herself lucky that he was able to stop before accidentally hitting her. "Carter, let it go."

"But…"

"Please? Let it go?" She asked softly. She felt bad that he had been hit, especially since the punch Romano landed had caused his lip to split open and there was a small trail of blood trickling down. But her obligation was to Romano and not to Carter.

"Get him out of here." Carter commanded.

So much for her hope to get Romano sobered up in the ER. She sighed and nodded, turning to Romano. "Let's go." She didn't give him a chance to argue, leading him out of the ER doors. "How far away is your car?"

"Not far." He replied as they walked the direction he pointed. While walking, he fumbled with the keys in his pocket. Finally he pulled them out.

Lucy grabbed the keys quickly.

"Hey!" He protested. "Give those back."

"No way." She shook her head. "There is absolutely no way I'm letting you drive."

"It's my car." He argued.

"And you are drunk." She pointed out.

He laughed as if that was the funniest thing he had ever heard. "Only a little."

She sighed. Helping him get from his office to his car was exhausting because he wasn't making it easy. It also didn't help that it had started to rain. "You also picked a fight with Carter."

"He had it coming." Romano laughed. "And I didn't need you to stop him."

"I'm sure you didn't." She replied, trying to placate him. They finally reached his car and she opened the passenger side door of the SUV for him. "Come on. Get in."

"I still think I should drive." He shook his head, batting her hand away when she tried to put the seat belt in for him. "I can do that myself."

"I know." She laughed as she heard the click. She closed his door and went over to the driver's side. Getting in, she put her seat belt on. She was grateful that he didn't live too far away from the hospital. She needed to get him home and get him to drink some water.

"This is boring." He whined as she drove.

"I'm sorry you think so." She apologized. "But it shouldn't take us long to get back to your house."

"Let's make the trip more fun."

She thought that meant turn on the radio. Instead, she was horrified when he grabbed the wheel and turned it sharply to the right. She had to work quickly to make sure that they didn't hit anything. The roads were getting slick. Cars around her honked their horn at her as she managed to get back into their original lane..

"What the hell are you doing?" She yelled once she had control of the steering wheel again. "Are you trying to kill us?"

"Lighten up." He grumbled. "I'm just trying to have some fun."

"Don't do that again. You could have gotten us killed." She berated him.

"How?" He questioned with a laugh. "By doing this?" He grabbed the steering wheel again but this time wouldn't let go.

"Stop it!" She screamed, desperately trying to keep the SUV in the lane. But he was strong and kept trying to move it back and forth. "Stop! NO!" The last thing she saw before it all turned black was the SUV sliding towards a median.


	7. Godzilla

Broken Dreams and Silent Screams

Chapter Seven

 _Lucy groaned softly as she woke up. It took her a moment to realize she wasn't in her own room. Then she remembered that she went on a first date with Carter last night to a Chinese food restaurant. She looked over and saw Carter still sleeping with his mouth hanging open ever so slightly. It was adorable and she wished she had a camera._

 _Panic gripped her for a moment as she wondered what Carter thought of her. She stayed over on their first date. Hopefully he didn't think less of her. But they had such a good night together that when he suggested they come back to his place she didn't think twice about it because she didn't want the night to end._

 _And the sex…well the sex was better than she ever could have dreamed. Although she was still self-conscious about the large vertical scar on her chest from the attack, he made her feel beautiful. She could easily fall in love with him._

 _She moved closer to him draping her arm around his chest. It didn't surprise her that the movement woke him up._

 _He wrapped his arms around her. "Well I easily could get use to this."_

 _She smiled, propping herself up so that she could see his face. "I could too."_

" _What's going on inside that pretty head of yours?" He asked, looking deep into her eyes._

" _Do you think we rushed things last night?" She asked._

" _I don't think we rushed through anything last night." He smirked. "But if you want, we can try it again."_

 _She laughed and lightly smacked his chest. "Seriously though. We skipped some steps in this relationship."_

" _Yeah." He agreed. "But we have known each other a long time and have been through things most people never have to go through. Don't overthink this, Luce. It feels right to me. Does this feel right to you?"_

" _Yeah." She nodded. "It feels right to me too."_

Lucy jolted awake, breathing heavily. She felt faint and her head hurt. Touching her head, she saw blood on her hand. "Great." It took her a moment to realize she was upside down in Romano's SUV. Then suddenly she remembered that they crashed.

She looked over and saw something that would haunt her dreams for the rest of her life. Romano was perfectly still with a huge piece of glass stuck in his head. There was blood everywhere. "Oh my God. No…"

"Robert!" She called, trying to get his attention. "Robert! Look at me! Ok? You're going to be alright! Just stay with me!" His eyes slowly turned to look at her and then they closed.

The approaching ambulance was a sweet sound. She wiggled around, trying to get out of her seat. She needed to get to him. She needed to save him. But it was no use. She was stuck.

She reached over and felt his pulse. It wasn't as strong as she would have liked, but at least it proved he was alive. She could see his chest rising and falling slowly, so he was breathing too. It wasn't long before there was a paramedic at her window. All of the windows were already smashed so they didn't have to worry about breaking them

"Don't worry. We're gonna get you out of there miss." The paramedic said as he assessed her neck and took vitals.

"Get my friend out first please." She asked. "He has a really bad head wound, but he has a pulse and is breathing. Don't worry about me. Get him out. He needs to get to the hospital immediately."

"We have someone working on him." He assured her getting the special knife they cut seat belts with out and getting to work on freeing her.

"No. Don't do that...Just stop trying to help me. You have to get him help first." She reminded him, suddenly feeling dizzy. She barely heard him ask if she was ok before blacking out.

" _Hey Luce…What are you doing?" Carter asked as he came into the kitchen._

" _Hey." She smiled at him, glad he was home from work. "How was your day?"_

" _It was alright." Carter chuckled. "Dr. Romano was in the ER a lot today trying to implement new policies. I swear that man is infuriating. He was just walking around the ER like he owned the place and was better than everyone else."_

" _I don't think he is as bad as you say he is." Lucy defended him._

" _Why do you always defend him?" He asked._

" _Did you forget that he worked really hard to save me that night?" Lucy asked quietly._

" _I could never forget that." He replied, coming over and wrapping his arms around her waist. "But Elizabeth saved you too."_

" _Yes. She did a great job too." Lucy acknowledged, turning to face him. "But she told me about a week later that it was really Romano that saved my life. I had coded after throwing a clot and both he and Elizabeth tried to save me but they couldn't. Elizabeth was ready to pronounce me when Romano tried again. That last attempt worked and he brought me back to life. So I can't believe that the man is as entirely evil as you claim he is."_

" _Well one very good deed doesn't make him a good man. I think you have sensationalized what kind of a man he is out of appreciation for what he did." Carter said, giving her a kiss. "But I guess this is just something we'll just have to agree to disagree on. So what are you doing?"_

" _I'm making dinner for us." Lucy smiled, proud of herself._

" _It smells good." He started nuzzling her neck._

" _It's my mom's famous homemade lasagna. Her recipe calls for everything to be made from scratch." She told him." It's almost ready."_

" _Is this what you spent your day off doing? Making lasagna?" He asked._

" _Yeah." She reached up to give him a kiss. "I thought it would be fun."_

" _You didn't have to though. We could have gone out." He told her._

" _I didn't mind." She smiled. "Besides, I thought you liked lasagna."_

" _I love lasagna." He assured her. "I just didn't expect you to go to all of this trouble for dinner."_

" _I just wanted to do something nice for you." She said, the smile falling from her face._

" _I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel bad." He told her, leaning in to give her a kiss._

" _You didn't." She sighed. "This might have been me going a little overboard." After all, they had only been going out for about a month._

" _I love it." He told her._

" _I love you." She said, without thinking it through. As soon as she said it, she panicked._

 _He was staring at her but wasn't saying anything. It made her think she was the stupidest person in the world for blurting that out. So she decided to try and cover her tracks. "I mean, I'd love for you to try it."_

" _Don't do that." He shook his head._

" _Do what?" She asked._

" _Don't back track." He explained. "Do you mean it?"_

 _She nodded._

 _He smiled, leaning in for a kiss "Good, because I love you too."_

Lucy jolted awake again as she was lowered out of the ambulance. She heard voices all around her but the voice she heard the loudest was Carter.

"Alright. What do we have?" Carter asked.

"MVA." The paramedic said. Two passengers pinned in the car after it rolled over several times. The worse off one is coming right behind us. We have a 30 year old female, head lac, arm lac, LOC, bp 135/80, pulse 95."

"Alright…" He looked down at her. "Lucy! What happened?"

She looked up and saw Carter standing over her. "Carter?"

"Don't worry Lucy." Carter said as he helped roll her gurney into a trauma room. "You're going to be alright."

She stayed quiet as Carter and the nurses worked on her, clearing her spine, getting an IV in, drawing blood, getting a pulse ox. She tried to focus on what they were saying even though she wanted to go to sleep. But she figured if she listened to them running the trauma it would help keep her awake. She was glad that when Carter pushed on her abdomen there was no pain. So maybe she was lucky and didn't get any internal bleeding.

Romano probably wasn't that lucky. She turned her head to look over at the adjoining trauma room. That had to be where they took him. Everyone was moving around a lot faster over there. She recognized Morris and Weaver working on him. Romano looked like he was intubated. She tuned out and focused on trying to figure out what was happening next door.

"Lucy!" Carter's voice got her attention. "We need to get a CT scan of your head."

"Romano?" She motioned to the trauma room.

"Morris and Weaver are working on him." He replied. "He's in good hands too. Ok?"

"Can you check on him?" She asked.

"Sure." He smiled and stroked the side of her face. "I'll see you when you get back from CT."

* * *

A short time later Lucy sat in the suture room, watching Carter get suture kits ready. He had made sure she got a pair of scrubs to wear since they had to cut off her clothes when she came in. She just needed stitches on her forehead and her arm. For some reason, Carter had insisted on doing them instead of handing them off to a resident.

"So your tests came back fine and the CT was clear. I thought about admitting you for the night because you lost consciousness, but I doubted you wanted that." Carter explained.

"You're right." She told him quietly. "I don't want that. How is Romano?"

"He is up in surgery right now. They are trying to get the glass out and repair the damage. As far as I know, he didn't wake up before going in to surgery."

She absorbed that information, knowing what that meant. There was a very good chance that he wouldn't wake up. If he did, he probably wouldn't be the same as before. The glass had been stuck in the left side of his brain. So he could have language and logic problems. This felt like a nightmare she couldn't wake up from.

Carter got started on stitching up the arm laceration first.

Lucy watched him until she heard the door to the suture room open. She saw Kerry come in with a police officer right behind her.

"Lucy, do you have a moment to talk to the police about what happened?" Kerry asked.

"Of course." Lucy nodded. She didn't want to, but realized she didn't have a choice.

"I'm officer Locke." The man greeted. "Do you remember what happened, Dr. Knight?"

"I was driving us home." Lucy started. "He was drunk and kept saying he was bored. He kept grabbing the steering wheel and turning it. And I tried to keep from going into a different lane but he just wouldn't get go."

"Witnesses did say the car was swerving." Locke nodded, writing it down. "We did a blood alcohol on you and looks like you didn't have alcohol in your system. Dr. Romano on the other hand has a blood alcohol of .21."

"Lucy's not in trouble though, right?" Kerry asked.

"No." Locke agreed. "We're not classifying this as a crime. Thank you for your time."

Kerry held the door open for the officer and then closed it. "Lucy, do you know if Robert has any other family we could call? I looked in his personnel file and the only emergency contact number he had listed was for you. You are listed as his next of kin."

Lucy shook her head. She didn't realize he had done that. "He was an only child and both of his parents are dead. He doesn't have any other family."

She watched as Kerry exchanged a glance with Carter. "What's going on?"

"Lucy, Robert's injuries are very severe." Kerry warned her. "If he doesn't have any blood relation family to call, then I'm afraid it will come down to you making some hard choices. But we can cross that bridge if and when we have to. Hopefully it doesn't come to that."

"Yeah." She nodded. "Hopefully."

Lucy watched Kerry leave and then looked over at Carter, who was done with her arm. "I shouldn't have come back here."

"Hey, this isn't you fault. You didn't ask him to get drunk." He told her. "Now hold still. I have to stitch up your face."

She stayed as still as possible.

"You're really lucky when you think about it." Carter prattled on. "I heard that the car rolled at least six times."

"Yeah…" She grumbled. "I'm lucky. That's me. Miss Lucky."

He sighed. "Luce…I want to help you. I really do. But I don't know how. When I'm done with this, do you want me to find you an empty room where you can rest for a while?"

"Romano…"

"He will be in surgery for several hours." Carter reminded her. "And I already have it set up so they will page me if anything happens or when the surgery is done. You should rest."

"Ok." She agreed after thinking it through for a moment.

"Here we go." He smiled. "You are all stitched up now."

"You aren't going to leave me with a scar, are you?" She asked.

"Of course not. I've got mad suturing skills." He assured her with a smile. "Let me go see what room I can set you up in. I'll be right back."

She nodded, watching him leave. It didn't take him long to come back in. "I found a room for you." He held out his hand and she stood up, taking it.

She let him guide her to a room as far away from the trauma areas as possible.

"I'll come and get you when there is a change." He promised, turning to leave.

"Carter?" She called out.

"Yeah?" He asked, facing her.

Before she could change her mind, she closed the gap between them and wrapped her arms around him. "Can you maybe stay with me for a little bit? I don't want to be alone right now."

"Of course." He nodded, gently patting her back.

Maybe it was the fact that she was exhausted. Maybe it was the fact that everything was crumbling down around her. Maybe it was because she always felt safe in his arms. Whatever it was, she finally felt herself be able to cry. Soft sobs soon gave way to body-shaking sobs.

She felt Carter pick her up and carry her to the bed, placing her on it first before getting up there too. As soon as he was on the bed, she went back to clinging to him, laying her head on his chest.

"I'm sorry." She said in between sobs. "I'm so sorry."

"You don't have anything to be sorry about." He assured her, kissing the top of her head. "You're going to be ok Lucy. I promise."

* * *

Carter wasn't sure how long they laid there together on the bed. Lucy cried for a long time. So while she cried, he ran his fingers through her hair and said soothing words. There wasn't anything else he thought he could do in the situation. He suspected that she hadn't given herself a chance to process everything that had happened the last two days and this was her way of starting the grieving process.

Once she stopped crying, she fell asleep. While he hated the situation leading up to it, he did cherish the fact that he was able to have her back in his arms. He doubted she would still want him around one she woke up. He realized she only clung on to him because he was there when she allowed herself to fall apart.

But that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy having her close right now.

She had been through a lot the past two days. First she lost Rebecca and now because of the car accident with Romano she might lose him too. Although he still didn't understand their friendship, he understood that Romano meant a lot to her. It seemed she meant a lot to Romano too, judging from the fact he made her his next of kin.

Losing two people she cared about in such a short time period would be a lot for anyone. Lucy was strong and she could handle a lot. But he wasn't sure how much more she could take right now.

"Carter?" Lucy called out sleepily.

"Hey." He greeted, looking over at her. "Did I wake you?"

"No." She shook her head. "I need you to know I lied."

He was confused. "You mean I did wake you up?"

"No." She shook her head again. "I lied on the roof. I do love you."

There was no way for him to control the huge smile that formed on his face when she admitted she loved him. If it was a different time, he would kissed her and never let her out of his sight ever again. But this wasn't exactly the best time to focus on their relationship issues.

He settled for kissing the top of her head. "We don't need to talk about that right now."

"We may not get another chance." Lucy pointed out, getting up and sitting on the edge of the bed. "I seem to be a magnet for disaster. Everywhere I go I bring death and sadness. You may not want to get too close to me."

"Hey." He argued, moving to sit next to her on the edge of the bed. "That's not true."

"Look at the facts." She scoffed. "I got us attacked by Sobriki. I couldn't save your grandmother even though she had her stroke in the ER. I came here to save Rebecca's life, instead she is dead. I tried to take care of Romano and now he…"

"None of those things are your fault." He assured her.

"I'm supposed to be a doctor and first do no harm." She chuckled sardonically. "Instead I've come back to Chicago and all I've done is harm. Rebecca….Robert…you…I'm like a giant wrecking ball or a Godzilla attacking everything in my path. Someone needs to stop me."

As serious as this conversation was, he couldn't help but laugh at the image of Lucy acting like Godzilla.

She poked him in the stomach with her elbow. "It isn't funny."

"You have to admit the image is kind of funny." He laughed.

"I'm serious though." She insisted.

"I know it must feel that way right now." He told her.

"You don't understand." Lucy sighed. "It's not like I'm just having a bad day. I am legitimately jinxed. I'm serious when I say you may not want to stand too close to me. Lightening may strike you dead just for standing next to me."

He wrapped his arm around her shoulder. "I think I'll take my chances."

She stood up. "Carter, this isn't a joke. I'm serious."

"I know." He was about to say something else when his pager went off. He looked at the number before getting up and picking up the phone. "This is Dr. Carter…ok…ok…and that means…ok…ok…thanks." He put the phone down and faced her.

"He made it through the surgery and they were able to remove the glass." Although it seemed like good news, he wasn't smiling. He didn't like what he had to tell her next.

"That's good." She sighed, searching his face. "But what is the bad news?"

"He is hooked up to a ventilator and other machines." Carter explained. "They are going to retest him in six hours but as of now there is no brain activity."

"Shit." Lucy sat back down on the bed.

"It's possible that they made a mistake…"

"No. She interrupted. "You and I both know that a new set of tests won't make a bit of difference. He's gone."

"I'm sorry Luce." He told her.

"I'm going to go up and see him." She said, standing back up. She ran her hands over her face and took a deep breath.

"I'll go with you." He offered.

"No thanks." She shook her head. "I have to do this by myself."

When she got close to him, he pulled her in for a tight hug. He didn't have any words to say that didn't sound hollow, so he stayed quiet.

She returned the hug, clinging as he was a life preserver. He kissed the top of her head and she broke free, leaving the room without another word.


	8. Out of Breath

Broken Dreams and Silent Screams

Chapter Eight

She stood outside of Romano's ICU room, trying to will her body to move and go inside. But if she went inside, she felt like this would become real. She could still pretend that this wasn't happening as long as she stayed on this side of the door. The second she entered the room and saw him, she would be unable to pretend anymore.

 _Lucy came out of the operating room, sighing as she stretched her neck back and forth. The surgery was an eight hour long aortic dissection and she was ready for a nap._

" _Good work in there Lucy." Dr. Welling told her as he took off his scrub cap._

" _Thank you Dr. Welling." She smiled at him. She had been in St. Louis for almost a year now and had learned quite a lot from him. She finally felt like she was fitting in._

" _Well, well, well." Dr. Welling laughed. "Look what the cat dragged in."_

 _Lucy looked over and saw Dr. Romano coming through the doors._

" _Welling…you look old. Are you actually getting grey hairs already? What the hell happened to you? Romano asked with a chuckled._

" _At least I still have all of my hair." Dr. Welling joked back._

" _I trust you are taking good care of Ms. Knight." Romano asked, pointing to Lucy._

" _Am I?" Dr. Welling asked Lucy, turning to get her approval._

" _He is." Lucy laughed._

" _Good." Romano smiled. "I'd hate to have to kick your ass again."_

" _That time in college was a fluke." Dr. Welling laughed. "I was drunk at the time."_

" _So that's your story now? Interesting." Romano laughed. "Do you mind if I steal Ms. Knight for a moment?"_

" _Be my guest." Dr. Welling replied. "But I expect to see you in my office later to catch up, Rocket."_

" _Wouldn't miss it." Romano said, leading Lucy into an empty office._

" _What are you doing here?" Lucy asked._

" _I had some vacation time that I had to take or else I'd lose it." He explained. "So I thought I would come by and check in with you, make sure what you've said in your emails is true."_

" _Thank you but I'm fine." Lucy assured him. They emailed each other at least five or six times a week. She first emailed him to thank him for getting her in Dr. Welling's program. Then they started emailing about what kind of procedures she was learning and he gave her tips on improving her technique. Somewhere along the way their emails turned personal and they became good friends._

 _She thought it was sweet he came to check on her. "I do like it here. I like the program. I like Dr. Welling. I've even made a couple of friends."_

" _So you don't want to come back to Chicago and study with me?" He asked._

 _She laughed until she saw his face. "Oh. You're serious?"_

" _I am dead serious." He nodded. "I think you ultimately belong back in Chicago and back at County."_

" _You know why I can't…"_

" _You can't let a boy or a couple of bad experiences dictate your life though." He interrupted. "I think your destiny ultimately lies in Chicago."_

 _It was easier for him to say than for her to do. She wasn't sure she was ever going to go back, even for a visit._

" _How long are you in town for?" She asked, choosing to ignore his comment for now._

" _Just the night." He explained. "I leave tomorrow morning to go to the Bahamas. I want to work on my tan."_

 _She smiled. "We have to have dinner then. I found the greatest barbecue place here." She insisted, looking at her watch. "I should be done in about two hours."_

" _I shall meet you here in two hours then." He told her before leaving the room._

Time ticked by slowly as she took a few deep breaths. She put her hand on the sliding door and closed her eyes for a moment before sliding it open. The sight before her was heartbreaking. Romano was hooked up to about twelve different machines. He looked small in the bed, like the machines were swallowing him up.

She slowly walked over to his bedside and sat down in the chair next to it. "I'm so sorry." She took his hand in hers. "All you wanted was for me to come in, do a surgery for Rebecca and then help you marry her. But somehow all of this has happened and it isn't fair."

She smiled. "Usually this would be the time when you would say life isn't fair Ms. Knight. It just is what it is. So deal with it." A tear went down her cheek. "How many times did you tell me that? I have lost count."

"God, and you made me your next of kin. Why?" She sighed. "I guess I know why. Rebecca always said you thought of me like a daughter. What I never told you was that I thought of you like a father. You know I didn't have one in my life. You were the first guy to truly believe in me and push me."

She bowed her head. "I know I said it already but I am so sorry. If only I could have done something different…"

"Excuse me." A timid voice said. "Are you Lucy Knight?"

"I'm Dr. Knight." She said, looking at the boy in front of her. He had to be a medical student because he had that deer in the headlights look in his eyes.

"Sorry. I was sent in here to talk to you about whether you think Dr. Romano would have wanted to donate any of his organs."

"Who sent you?" She questioned

"The transplant team."

"And who is the head of the transplant team?" Lucy sighed.

"Dr. Leiter."

"Ok." She chuckled. "Here is what you are going to do. You are going to turn around, go find Dr. Leiter and tell him that if he wants any organs from Dr. Romano he will have bring himself here and ask me in person. And he better do that in the next 30 minutes or the answer will automatically be no. Do you know who this is?" She pointed to the bed.

"Yes." He nodded.

"Then you know that he is a big deal in this hospital and deserves better than some pipsqueak med student coming around asking for his organs like it is a Halloween trick or treating time. Nice try kid, but the outfit doesn't make you a real doctor."

"Ok." He said as he eyes went wide. "I'm…sorry."

"I'm sure you are." Lucy told him, looking at her watch. "But now Dr. Leiter only has 29 minutes to get down here if he wants any chance of organ donation. So you better hurry."

She watched as he scurried out of the room and burst into a fit of laughter. Then she turned to Romano. "Stupid medical students. Now I finally understand why you would berate people like that. It is actually fun."

* * *

Lucy stared at Romano, trying to figure out if she did the right thing by agreeing to let them donate his organs. Truthfully, she never had a discussion with him about what he would want if he was in this situation. She was simply guessing.

Logically she knew he was already dead. The machines were keeping his body going, but he wasn't there anymore. But for the past three hours she had been talking to him about anything and everything.

It started out as an apology for the ways things happened. Then, and she wasn't proud of it, she used him as a sort of therapist for her own problems. It wasn't the first time he had to listen to her whine about things that were plaguing her, but it would be the last time.

She spent a good deal of time crying while she talked, but for now she wasn't crying. For now, she was just holding his hand. Hearing the door slide open, she looked over and saw Carter standing in the doorway.

"Do you mind if I sit with you for a while?" He asked.

"It's a free country." She shrugged. "You can do what you want."

"Word has spread around the hospital that you are donating his organs." Carter said, speaking softly.

"I don't even know if that is what he wanted." Lucy admitted. "Hell, I didn't even know he appointed me next of kin. I'm just kind of making this up as I go along. Does it show?"

He smiled at her. "Not even a little."

She gave him a small smile. "Am I doing the right thing?"

Carter sighed. "Hell if I know. You knew him a lot better than I did. What does your gut tell you?"

"I'm not sure I want to listen to my gut." She admitted. If she listened to her gut she would go over, kiss Carter and never let him out of her sight. But she didn't think this was the right time or place for that. Besides, she was an emotional wreck right now.

"Can I get you anything?" He offered.

"No." She shook her head. "They finished the last of the tests they needed to determine if his organs were in good enough shape to be donated. I'm just waiting for them to come back to take him in for the retrieval."

"Can I ask you a question without you getting mad at me?" He asked after a few minutes.

"Possibly." She answered, her curiosity peaked. "Depends on the question."

"How did you and Romano end up getting so close?" Carter asked. "I know you guys became friends, but…I guess I just don't understand it because you two are so drastically different."

"We respected each other." Lucy answered, realizing her answer may anger him. "Can I answer this question without you getting mad at me?"

"Possibly." He smiled, throwing her words back at her. "Depends on the answer."

"He was the first teacher I had here that really seemed to see my potential, even when I didn't. He listened to me and didn't treat me like I had no clue what I was saying." She explained.

"You didn't feel that way when I taught you?" Carter asked quietly.

"No. We fought almost constantly when you were my teacher." She explained. "I mean, yeah, there were times when you were a great teacher. But then there were also times where you ignored me and made me feel like I was just an annoying bee that buzzed around you."

"I'm sorry you felt that way." He apologized. "I never wanted to make you feel like that. And I did see your potential. I still do. I just..well I just had feelings for you and it was difficult since I couldn't act on them."

"I know." She nodded. He had told her about that after they got together and she had made peace with it. She decided to go on with her explanation. "So somewhere along the way Romano and I became friends. He got me the position in St. Louis, I introduced him to Rebecca and we just remained close."

She paused for a moment. "He asked me come back here to help with Rebecca and I dropped everything to come. I…I just…"

"You loved him." Carter stated for her.

"Like a father." She clarified. "But yeah. I loved him. I loved Rebecca too, like a sister. But just look at what my love does to people."

"Hey." He objected, going over and kneeling beside her chair. "Don't do that. This wasn't something you did."

"I guess." Lucy shrugged. "But it's hard to believe that when I'm staring at the proof."

Dr. Leiter came into the room with his team. "We are ready for him now, Dr. Knight. Is that is alright with you?"

Lucy nodded, getting up and kissing Romano's forehead. "Go be happy with Rebecca. You deserve that."

She watched as they rolled him out of the room. She knew what they were going to do to him. They would cut him open and give away his organs. His organs would save lives. It was a fitting end to a surgeon who spent their career priding himself on not losing many patients on the operating table. But although she knew this was a good thing, it still hurt like hell.

When his bed was out of sight, she stood there watching the empty space. Her heart rate increased and she suddenly had trouble breathing. She knew it was a panic attack and knew what she had to do.

"Excuse me. I've got to get out of here. I can't be here anymore." She told Carter, practically sprinting out of the room.

She practically ran the entire way out of the hospital, only stopping when she got to the ambulance bay of the hospital. She thought the fresh air would help but it didn't. So she started running again, this time in the direction of her hotel. It was only about a mile from the hospital.

She ran as fast as she could, trying to calm her thoughts and clear her mind. It was almost daybreak, but still dark outside. A voice in her head told her that this was not the safest time to be running in Chicago, but she silenced that voice and continued on her way.

She was out of breath when she finally got to her hotel. Realizing she didn't have her key with her, she had to wait until she caught her breath to get another one from the front desk. The elevator doors were about to close when she saw Carter slide in.

"What are you doing here?" She asked.

"Followed…you…" Carter replied, out of breath. "You shouldn't…run in…this city…when it's…still dark… You could…get hurt."

The fact that he ran after her melted her heart. "Poor Carter. You aren't in very good shape, are you?"

He looked over at her. He was still out of breath, while she was back to normal. "It's not funny."

"Maybe just a little." She argued as she got out of the elevator. "You didn't have to chase after me though."

"I was worried." He admitted, following her down the hallway to her room. "You left so suddenly and just took off. I didn't know what to think."

"I just needed to clear my head." She explained. "I was having a panic attack."

"I see." He nodded. "And are you feeling better now?"

"I don't know." She admitted honestly.

She stared at him for a moment. It did mean a lot that he would run after her. Without thinking, closed the gap between them and started kissing him. She could tell that she had caught him off-guard at first. But he soon wrapped his arms around her, pulling her as close to his body as possible.

She moaned as she felt his hand slip underneath her shirt. "Hold on a second." She whispered in his ear. The puzzled look on his face went away when she used her door key to open her hotel room.

Without any kind of warning, he picked her up and carried her into her room.


	9. Umwhat?

Broken Dreams and Silent Screams

Chapter Nine

Lucy stood in the middle of Romano's living room a couple of days later. Yesterday was Rebecca and Romano's joint memorial service. She knew that having the memorial services be combined might have seemed weird to some considering the pair didn't die from the same things. But to be honest, she had to do it that way. If she had two separate memorial services, she might have lost her mind. It was hard enough to get through one.

The service was nice, though she realized that Rebecca had more people come to celebrate her life. It seemed like most people thought of Romano's death as an afterthought and that angered her. There weren't even many people from the hospital who came to pay their respects. The few who did stop by, didn't stay long.

She knew that Romano had a gruff exterior and could certainly act like a prick. But she got to know him and knew that wasn't who he truly was. It was too bad no one else really took the time to get to know him.

Elizabeth sent some flowers and called to apologize for not flying in from Hawaii. But her daughter was sick and Lucy understood that took precedence over Romano's memorial.

Before the memorial, she was stopped by someone she didn't know and it changed her life.

" _Excuse me, but are you Lucy Knight?" An older gentleman with slightly grey hair asked._

" _Yes." She nodded. "Were you are friend of Rebecca or Robert?"_

" _Robert." He smiled, extending his hand out for her to shake. "My name is Darryl Dove."_

 _She thought that was an interesting name. It was one she would have remembered Romano mentioning, but her mind was drawing a blank. "It's nice to meet you. How did you know Robert?"_

" _I was his personal attorney for years." Darryl replied. "Do you maybe have a moment to talk?"_

 _She looked around. The memorial service hadn't started yet and she should be out here greeting guests. But she was curious what this man wanted to talk to her about. "Yeah, but just for a minute."_

 _He directed her out one of the side doors, to a small courtyard that was empty. "It's nice for me to finally put a face to a name. Robert spoke very highly of you for the past several years. I don't know how much you and he talked about this kind of thing. But I am executor of his will and since he died before he married Rebecca, everything now goes to you."_

" _What do you mean?" Lucy chuckled._

" _You get his whole estate."_

" _But that's impossible." She argued. "He would have told me about that, right?"_

" _Sometimes people do and sometimes they don't." Darryl answered. "A lot of people don't like to talk about their own death and the plans they have made. They get superstitious. Some people just want to avoid the topic altogether because it is uncomfortable for them."_

" _Ok." She sighed. Maybe it shouldn't surprise her that Romano didn't tell her about this. After all, he didn't think he would die now, and he was about to marry Rebecca. Maybe he thought that it was a moot point._

" _So when you say everything, you mean his house and his car?" Her mind was already spinning thinking about how she was going to get everything cleaned up enough in his house to sell it because she wasn't going to be staying in Chicago and didn't need a house here._

" _Yes." Darryl nodded. "I'm talking about the house, the car, all personal belongings and the ten million he had in savings, stocks and bonds."_

 _She felt faint hearing that last part. "Excuse me?"_

" _Oh. Yes. He had a little less than ten million spread out between savings, stocks and bonds. It all goes to you now."_

" _That's…just…"_

" _I know." He nodded. "It's a lot to take in after everything that has happened. Are you still going to be in town for a few more days?"_

" _Yeah." She nodded._

" _Here is my card." He handed her his business card. "Come by my office in the next couple of days. I'll answer any questions you have and we can sign all of the paperwork."_

" _Thanks." She called after him as he left the courtyard._

She still couldn't believe that he gave her everything. Maybe it shouldn't have surprised her. But the thing that made her head spin was that he had that much money saved up. He never let on that he was investing or had the money to invest. Granted, they didn't talk about money a lot. But this was surprising to say the least.

She tossed and turned last night, trying to figure out what to do about the money. It didn't seem right to take it after everything that happened upon her return to Chicago. It felt like blood money to her. There had to be something she could do with the money that wouldn't make her feel uncomfortable. She just wasn't sure what it was yet.

She came by today to get Rebecca's things together and start sorting everything in the house. Her aunt had requested her personal belongings be sent to her in Montana. She didn't mind boxing everything up since she also had to box up Romano's stuff too.

She brought what felt like a ton of boxes in to the house since she wasn't sure how many she would need. She decided to start with the living room and headed to the pictures first. She wrapped the picture frames up carefully before placing them in a box. When she got to the picture of the three of them, she picked it up and remembered that moment.

" _Ok." Lucy cleared her throat and raised her glass. They were at dinner to celebrate their engagement. Romano had proposed to Rebecca last night during their trip to visit her in Minnesota. "I have a toast for the happy couple so you two better listen up."_

" _We're all ears." Rebecca smiled._

" _You two are two of my favorite people in the world." She started. "I could not be more thrilled that you two have found love together and I wish you nothing but happiness together for the rest of your lives."_

" _Here here." Romano said with a smile. "Couldn't have said it better myself."_

 _Rebecca stopped a waiter as he came by. "Excuse me, but can you please take a picture of the three of us?" She held up her phone._

" _Sure." The waiter nodded._

 _The three of them all got closer and smiled._

This was one picture she was going to keep for herself. She continued on, separating the keepsakes into three piles. One pile for Rebecca, one to keep and one to donate. While sorting, she let her mind wander. The main place her mind wandered the most lately was Carter. She still felt terrible about what happened in her hotel room.

 _Lucy could tell that Carter had fallen asleep right after they had sex. Even after all of these years she could still recognize the sound of his breathing while he slept. She however, well she couldn't sleep._

 _She stayed awake, watching him as his chest went up and down. He had a peaceful look on his face and she envied him for that. It felt like there was a tornado happening in her mind. She kept screaming inside, wishing for anyone to come save her. Being around him helped quiet the noise, but the only time she was able to fully get rid of the tornado was when she had sex with him. And that wasn't fair to him._

 _After a while, she rolled on to her side so she wasn't facing him anymore._

 _The sex was great, as always. Not being in a public bathroom this time definitely made a difference. That wasn't the problem. The problem was that she was a selfish, terrible person._

 _To begin with, one of her closest and dearest friends died less than two days ago. Then her other closest and dearest friend died less than twelve hours ago. Both deaths she was involved in, and maybe even caused to a certain extent. But here she was, having great sex with Carter like nothing ever happened just to feel something other than the guilt, rage and sadness she was experiencing. It was terrible and she was ashamed of herself._

 _When she practically attacked Carter in the hallway she honestly thought maybe sex would help. Maybe it would turn this whole negative experience into a positive one. Maybe they could get back together and then there would be a silver lining to this dark cloud hanging over her head._

 _But now…now she realized that was crazy. She may love Carter, and Carter may love her…but she felt too damaged to ever make it work with him. There was no way she was in the right frame of mind to be with anyone._

 _She just wasn't sure how to tell Carter that. Initiating sex with him again was a horrible thing to do. Why didn't she learn her lesson the first time in the bathroom? Did she enjoy leading him on? Was it a compulsion? Payback?_

 _It had taken her a while to realize she was just lost. There were all of these thoughts and emotions swirling inside her head that she couldn't do anything with right now. Feelings of guilt, remorse, sadness, anger and fear collided in her brain. They were joined by feelings of love and hope, but those feelings were severely outnumbered by the negative ones and stood no chance of being fully utilized._

 _She knew what she had to do. She only hoped she would be strong enough to do it._

 _Time seemed to move slowly, but before she knew it, she felt Carter roll over in the bed. It wasn't long before he started kissing her shoulder._

" _Luce…" He whispered._

 _She rolled over so she could face him. There was such a pure smile on his face. She hated that she had to say these things to him. But he deserved to be with someone who was more put together than her, someone who wasn't as damaged inside, and someone who wasn't a complete and total jinx to those she loved._

" _We need to talk."_

 _He searched her face and sighed. "No. Lucy, c'mon. You can't do this to me again. You just can't."_

" _I'm sorry." She apologized._

" _Look, I know you are going through a lot right now…hell, that's an understatement." He said, grabbing her hand. "But you don't have to go through it alone. I love you. So let me love you. Let me help you get through this."_

" _I can't." She said. "I'm sorry. I just am not in the right place right now for this. It's not fair to you that I keep doing this. I can't even seem to control it though. It's like a compulsion."_

" _Then let's forget about us for a moment and just let me be there for you as a friend." He reasoned._

" _Carter…"_

" _NO." He scoffed, getting out of the bed and started to put his pants on. "I'm not going to stay and listen to you talk yourself out of being with me." He looked over at her. "I love you Lucy. I know you love me too. I also know you have got to be scared right now and in a lot of pain because of everything that has happened. But I'm not giving up on you. I'm not giving up on us."_

 _She watched as he put his clothes back on. Once he was clothed, he came over to her side of the bed._

" _If you need some time to realize we are meant to be, then take all the time you need. I'll wait because you're worth waiting for." He told her. "But please don't ever tell me that what we did was a mistake or that we can't be together. Those are lies and deep down you know that too."_

 _He then kissed her passionately._

" _I'm not giving up on you." Carter told her before leaving her hotel room._

She did love him. She probably loved him more now than she did when they were dating. But it wasn't fair to string him along when she wasn't able to be what he deserved.

She had finished with the living room and was debating where to go next when the doorbell rang. She wasn't expecting anyone and sighed. She wasn't in the mood to be around anyone right now either. Briefly she considered not answering the door. Ultimately though she decided to take a deep breath and open the door.

Standing there, looking nervous with his hands in his pants pockets, was Carter.

"Hey." He greeted.

"Hey." She said. They stood there in silence.

"Will you let me in?" He asked.

She didn't miss the double meaning behind that question and thought back to the memorial service.

 _The memorial service was about to start and she was getting ready to go sit in the front row when she saw Carter walking up to her._

" _Hi." She greeted._

" _Hi." He gave her a small smile. "You did a nice job planning this."_

" _Thanks." She said. "I just wish more people had shown up for Romano. 90% of the people are here for Rebecca."_

" _I'm actually not here for either of them." Carter told her. "I'm here for you."_

" _Carter…"_

" _As a friend." He clarified, holding his hands up in fake surrender._

" _I could actually use a friend right about now." She admitted. "Will you sit with me?"_

" _Always." He told her, grabbing her hand._

He sat next to her through the whole memorial service, gently squeezing her hand occasionally as a sign of support. She may regret it later, but she moved out of the doorway and let him come inside.

"How did you find me?" She asked.

"When you weren't at your hotel I realized there were very few places you could be." He explained. Then he pointed to the boxes. "You're boxing things up?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "I'm putting some stuff in storage, donating most things and then sending Rebecca's stuff to her family."

"Do you want some help?" He offered.

"I don't know." She answered honestly. There was a part of her that did want some help, but there was also a part of her that wasn't sure being around Carter right now was a good idea.

"We don't have to talk if you don't want to." He suggested. "We could even start in separate rooms. But you shouldn't have to pack up the whole house by yourself."

It meant a lot to her that he was willing to help. Maybe it wouldn't be such a bad idea to let him. Doing this by herself would take a long time. Having someone help would nice. "If you really want to pack up boxes, I guess I won't stop you."

He smiled. "Great." He then picked up a few boxes. "Where do you want me to start?"

"Do you want to help me with the kitchen?" She asked.

"Sure."

She picked up a few boxes and some wrapping materials too and they headed into the kitchen. "All of the dishes and stuff like that are going to be donated. So we're just going to box it all."

"You got it!" He acknowledged, getting to work on a nearby cabinet.

She got to work on a drawer on the other side of the kitchen, occasionally stealing glances at Carter. He was working hard and keeping quiet. While she thought she wanted quiet, it was awkward and weird.

"So, what's new?" She asked as casually as she could. She resisted the urge to look at him after asking the question. Instead she just kept packing a box.

He chuckled. "Not much."

"Is there any interesting hospital gossip going around?"

"The hospital is pretty quiet right now." He admitted.

"I see." She nodded.

"So what's new with you?" He asked with a chuckle.

She looked over at him and couldn't help but laugh. "Seriously?"

"Seriously." He nodded. "Isn't that what friends do? Ask about what's going on in each other's lives?"

She was quiet for a moment as she put kitchen utensils in a box. "Well, I didn't tell you this yesterday, but Romano made me the beneficiary of his estate."

"Estate?" Carter chuckled. "Did he actually have an estate or did he just call it an estate?"

"Apparently he actually had an estate." Lucy told him, looking over and meeting his glance. "This house, his car, all of his stuff and ten million dollars are all mine now."

He coughed. "Um…did you say…"

"Ten million?" She nodded. "Yeah. I did."

"Wow."

"Yeah." She nodded again. "Wow is an understatement."

"I had no clue."

"Neither did I." She said, taping up a box. "I don't feel like I should even take it though."

"Why not?" Carter asked. "He obviously wanted you to have it."

"It doesn't feel right." Lucy admitted. "I was driving the car when we crashed. It feels like blood money."

"You crashed because he was drunk and grabbed the steering wheel." Carter pointed out. "You didn't do anything wrong. He actually could have killed you by doing that."

"It feels like I did everything wrong since I came back." She argued. Then she rolled her eyes. "Never mind. It's not something you could ever understand."

He got quiet and focused on packing again. So she figured they were done talking for now.

A few minutes later, he spoke again quietly. "You're actually wrong. I do understand. I understand more than you know."

That comment sparked her curiosity. "How could you possibly know what it's like?"

"I never told you what Gamma wanted when she came into the ER that day, did I?"

"No." She shook her head. "You didn't." She had asked him on the roof once, but he yelled at her that it was none of her business and then stormed off.

"I didn't tell you because I was ashamed." Carter admitted. "The truth is, you weren't responsible for her stroke or her death. I was."

"How is that even possible?" Lucy questioned, walking over to his side of the kitchen.

"She came in that day to tell me that she had changed her will. She did what Romano did to you. She changed her will and left everything to me, skipping my dad in the process." Carter explained.

"Everything?" Lucy asked.

"Everything. All of the Carter family assets became mine…The money, the houses, the jet, the business and the foundation." Carter listed off. "She left everything to me and expected me to quit medicine when she died so that I could run the business and the foundation. But I argued with her, refused it all and acted like a petulant child. I basically spit in her face and refused to listen to her about it. I acted like her life's work was beneath me because I was a doctor. Then she had the stroke and died."

Without thinking, she enveloped Carter in a big hug. "Her stroke wasn't your fault. You know arguing doesn't cause a stroke, especially the type of stroke she had."

"But it is hard when you're in that situation to remember that and believe it." He reasoned. "You know how that is, don't you?"

"Yeah. I do." She nodded. She did know how that felt. "I'm sorry Carter. I'm sorry you had to deal with that." She pulled back from the hug, putting a little distance between them.

"I let it determine my life for several years. It played a part in destroying our relationship and was one of the reasons I went over to Africa. I thought maybe I could help people and I truly didn't care if I put myself in dangerous situations. I actually tried to put myself in situations that were dangerous. I just wanted to get away from everything." He explained.

She thought about this new information and it started to make sense. He felt guilty and thought he caused his grandmother's stroke so he threw the blame on to her as a way to try and cope. It didn't make it ok, but it was nice to have an explanation for it.

"My parents were horrible to you at the funeral because they were lashing out against me. I didn't know it at the time, but they had just found out what Gamma had done. You unfortunately got caught in the crossfire and I will forever be sorry about that. They treated you terribly, and I added to it by saying things to you that I didn't mean. But the words were horrible and unforgivable." He was quiet for a moment. "I shouldn't have forced you to go with me to the memorial. Maybe then things would have been different."

"Maybe." She nodded. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. Do you still believe you were responsible for her stroke?"

"No." He shook his head. "I realize now that it was going to happen no matter what I said to her. I just feel guilty that my last conversation with her was one where we were arguing."

"She knew you loved her though." Lucy told him.

"Anyway…" He went back to packing his boxes. "I just wanted to let you know that I do know kind of what you are going through."

"I guess you do." She conceded. "So are you running the business and the foundation now?"

"I gave up the seat as the chairman of the board of the business. But I still have a seat on the board. When I came back from Africa I started becoming more involved with the foundation."

"That's good." She told him with a smile.


	10. Letters

Broken Dreams and Silent Screams

Chapter Ten

Lucy followed the server to the table and sat down. She knew she was early to dinner but it didn't take her as long as she thought it would at the lawyer's office so she headed to the steakhouse.

" _I'm so glad you could come sign these papers today." Daryl Dove smiled at Lucy as she sat down at the conference table. "It's always best to take care of these formalities sooner rather than later."_

" _Well I'm planning on leaving the state soon to go back home so I thought I should get it done while I'm still here." Lucy explained._

" _That's right." He nodded. "You live in Minnesota?"_

" _Yeah." She nodded._

" _This paperwork is pretty standard. It just outlines everything that you are receiving as part of the estate." He slid papers over to her. "If you want, you can have a different attorney look them over."_

" _No." She shook her head, skimming the documents. "I'm ok to sign them now."_

" _I'm afraid your taxes will be more complicated this year because of this." He cautioned. "Sometimes people don't realize there are estate taxes." Daryl droned on. "They spend all of the money they were left and then end up with a huge tax bill they didn't plan on. It would be comical if it didn't ruin people's lives. Do you have any plans for the money yet?"_

" _No, not yet." She shook her head. "I don't plan on keeping it though. I know that much."_

" _Donating can be a nice gesture and a good way to get tax breaks."_

" _I was wondering something though." She said, taking her eyes off of the documents in front of her for a moment. "I plan on selling his house. Since I'll be in another state, is there any way you could…"_

" _I can assist you with the sale of his house." He interrupted. "I would be glad to help with that. And once you figure out what you want to do with the money, I can assist you with that as well. I can also help you with the year-end taxes."_

" _Wonderful." She smiled. "I just have one more question and you may not know the answer, but I don't have anyone else left to ask. How did he save so much money?"_

" _Ah." Daryl chuckled. "He never told you?"_

" _No." She shook her head._

" _His mother died in surgery due to malpractice when he was young. His father sued the doctor and the hospital. He ended up winning several million dollars in the settlement but he died shortly after the settlement was awarded. So that money was put in a trust for Robert's education. He used the money to get through medical school and then invested the rest of it."_

" _Wow." Lucy was stunned. He never mentioned anything about that to her. Most doctors go into the profession due to a family member or someone they care about being sick. It made sense now why he became a surgeon and why he was so hell bent on trying to make sure his patients made it through surgery._

" _Do you need another moment with the papers?"_

" _No." Lucy shook her head. "Where do I sign?"_

" _Here…initial every page…and then sign again on the back page." Daryl said._

" _Ok." It took Lucy a couple of minutes to initial all of the pages. When she was done, she sighed and put the pen down._

" _Congratulations. You are now ten million dollars richer." He smiled and took out an envelope. "This is for you."_

 _She took the envelope and examined it. "What is in it?"_

" _It's a letter from Robert that I was supposed to give you if you ever had to sign these papers." He explained._

 _She stared at the envelope, trying to debate whether or not to open it now or wait. She chose to wait because she was certain that no matter what it said she would end up crying. "Thank you for your help."_

" _Anytime." He replied. "And I'll be happy to help you with whatever you need once you decide what to do with the money."_

She looked over and saw Carter heading to the table. She smiled when he sat down.

"I'm not late, am I?" He asked, checking his watch.

"No." She assured him. "I got here a few minutes early."

"Oh. Good."

"Can I get you two anything to drink?" The server asked as she approached the table.

"I'll have a beer please." Lucy ordered. "Whatever is on tap is fine."

"I'll have the same." Carter said. "You really don't have to buy me dinner."

"It's my way of saying thank you for all the packing you helped me with yesterday." She explained.

"Were you able to get the last two rooms done today?"

"Yeah." She nodded. "It is nice to know that all of the packing is done. They are coming tomorrow morning to get the stuff to donate, as well as the stuff that I'm putting in storage. The estate lawyer is going to help me with selling the house."

"That's good." He smiled.

"Will you two need some more time to look at the menu or are you ready to order?" The server asked as she placed their beers on the table.

"I'm ready if you are." Lucy said to Carter.

"Ladies first."

"I'll have a sirloin steak, medium rare with a baked potato with butter and the sautéed mushrooms please." Lucy ordered.

"Alright." The server wrote it down and then looked at Carter. "And for you sir?"

"I'll have the same, except I'd like my steak to be medium instead of medium rare."

"Wonderful." The server smiled at both of them. "I'll get that order put right in."

"So how was work?" Lucy asked.

"Fine." Carter shrugged. "People came in, we saw them, treated them and sent them on their way. Same old thing. How was your day?"

"I signed all of the papers today." Lucy sighed. "All of his stuff is now officially mine."

"It's scary in some ways, isn't it?" Carter chuckled.

"Yeah." She nodded. "It's very scary."

"I remember when I signed the papers getting Gamma's estate put in my name. It was one of the scariest times of my life." Carter explained. "There seemed to be this intense pressure associated with it. I still struggle with it sometimes and wonder if I'm doing a good enough job."

"I'm sure you are doing a great job." Lucy encouraged. "And I know what you mean about it being scary. Granted, I didn't get nearly as much as you did from your grandmother, but it's still daunting."

"Have you figured out what you are going to do with the money?"

"I have no clue yet." She answered. "I just know that I don't want to keep it for myself. But I also don't want to just blindly donate it to something. I want to donate it to something that matters and something he would have liked or at least approved of in some way."

"I'm sure you'll come up with something."

"Hopefully." She chuckled.

* * *

The food was good, but the dinner itself was awkward. They found things to talk about, but it seemed like things were strained between them. They were both done with their food.

She hesitated to say the next thing because she knew he wouldn't like it. "So, this wasn't just a dinner to say thank you. I mean, I did want to thank you. You were unbelievably helpful getting things packed and everything. But I'm going back home tomorrow night after they come to get the rest of the stuff from his house and I wanted to say goodbye."

The smile that had been on his face fell and he looked down. It seemed like he was trying to be more interested in putting his napkin on his plate than what she said. He was avoiding eye contact with her.

"I thought you had more vacation time left." He finally said.

"Technically I do have a few more days I could take." She nodded. "But…"

"But you don't want to be here anymore." He finished her sentence for her.

"Can you really blame me?" Lucy asked, watching as he raised his eyes to meet hers. "My job and my home are back in Minnesota. My life is there. There's not much here for me anymore."

"Except me." Carter scoffed.

"Please don't be like that." She asked softly.

"I don't know how you want me to be, Luce." He sighed. "I love you. I've said that many times since you came back. But I'm starting to wonder if that even means anything to you."

"Of course it means something to me!" She sighed.

"It just doesn't mean enough."

"Carter…"

"No." He shook his head. "I get it now. You don't have to explain anymore. You used me and I read too much into this" He got up from the table. "Thanks for dinner. Have a safe trip and a nice life." Without saying anything else, he walked away from the table.

"Carter…" She called after him but he wouldn't stop. Since she hadn't paid the check, she couldn't go after him. Though even if she did go after him, what would she say? What could she say?

She loved him more than he realized. That was partially why she couldn't stay. She wasn't in a good place right now. Losing both Romano and Rebecca the way she did in such a short span of time left her devastated. She just isn't in the right frame of mind to be with anyone, especially not someone as important to her as Carter.

But he didn't understand that.

And she didn't know how to make him understand.

Plus, she wasn't lying when she said her life was back in Minnesota. Her job, her house, her friends and her routine was there. Chicago wasn't her home anymore. It stopped being her home several years ago.

It broke her heart to leave him, but she had to.

* * *

Carter slammed the chart on the counter. "What's next?" He barked.

"Whoa man, calm down." Morris laughed. "What is wrong with you today?"

"Nothing." Carter shrugged, taking a look at the board.

"Something is wrong because you have been in a terrible mood all day." Morris chuckled. "So why don't you save us all a lot of time and trouble and just tell me now."

Carter was quiet for a moment before sighing. "Lucy is going back to Minnesota tonight."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh is right." Carter said.

"You knew she had to go back eventually though, right?" Morris asked.

"I was hoping…"

"I know buddy, but can you honestly blame her for not wanting to stick around here? This place has some seriously bad mojo for her." Morris asked.

"That's what she said too." Carter replied.

He couldn't blame her for having bad feelings about this town. She had a lot of bad memories here. But he was here, and that should have counted for something. He kept thinking that if she loved him enough, she would have either stayed or at least said something about staying in touch.

But she just wanted to say goodbye.

That was something he couldn't do. He couldn't say goodbye to her because it seemed too final and he refused to believe that this was how their love story ended.

They had been through too much to just give up now.

Maybe he needed to tell her that. He looked at his watch. It was almost 6. To be honest, he didn't stick around last night long enough to know what time she was leaving. He could be too late. She could be gone by now. Or maybe she was still here.

He looked over at Morris. "I need you to cover for me for a little bit."

Morris smiled. "You're going to go find her, aren't you?"

"I'm going to try." Carter admitted.

"Go on." Morris motioned to the door. "I've got you covered."

"Thank you. You're the best." Carter said, rushing out of the hospital.

* * *

Lucy stood outside the ER entrance, thinking back to earlier today.

 _Lucy sat on the couch. The donation people would be there soon but she had a little bit of time. So she decided to read the letter that Romano left for her. With shaky hands, she slowly opened it._

 _Ms. Knight,_

 _If you are reading this, then unfortunately I am dead. I hope I died in some wonderfully awesome way, like having a helicopter fall on me after saving a busload of kids. But I assume that is expecting too much._

 _I was also hoping you would never have to read this. By now you're probably wondering why I never told you that I had so much money. The simple answer is you never asked. The more complicated answer is that I never wanted that money._

 _My father won that money in a malpractice suit resulting from the death of my mother in surgery. I didn't want money. I wanted my mother back. But, as I've told you many times before, life isn't fair. It just is what it is. So deal with it._

 _I dealt with it by ignoring it most of the time. To be honest, this money has been like a noose around my neck. I never knew exactly what to do with it. I trust you will figure out a better use for it than I did. The only requirement I place on this money is that you do what you want with it. Don't be afraid of it like I was. Do something that will make you happy._

 _You know me well enough to know that I don't have many people I truly care about. I can count the number of people I consider to be real friends on one hand and I never thought I would settle down and have a family._

 _Thankfully, you came into my life. You were a breath of fresh air. There weren't many people willing to berate me like you did on Christmas Eve about Valerie Paige. It made me take notice of your talents. The more time we spent talking, the more I thought of you like the daughter I never had._

 _Then you just had to go and introduce me to Rebecca. I was fully prepared to live the rest of my life without thinking about marriage. But you set me up with her and I realized what my life had been missing. I'll be forever grateful to you for that._

 _Alright, that is enough sappy stuff. Let me impart one last piece of knowledge to you. Don't waste time. If there is something you want, go after it. Don't let fear, guilt, or anger stand in your way._

 _Until we meet again,_

 _Robert "Rocket" Romano_

She had read the letter a couple of times today, and realized she needed to come see Carter before she left. She didn't know where he lived anymore, but thought she would try and see if he was working. She entered the hospital, looking around for Carter. She got to the front desk and smiled at Jerry. "Hey Jerry."

"Lucy." He smiled back. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm looking for Carter. Have you seen him?"

"Oh you mean Mr. JerkFace?" Jerry chuckled. "Actually, now that you mention it, I haven't seen him for a bit. It's been too quiet around here. I wonder if he went home early."

"What do you mean Mr. JerkFace?" Lucy asked, curious about this new nickname

"He's been in a horrible mood today, slamming down charts, barking orders at everyone and being a real jerk. Yesterday he was in a great mood, but today I think we all just want to smack him." Jerry explained.

"I see." She nodded. "I think I'm to blame for that so I'm sorry. I told him that I'm going back to Minnesota tonight."

Jerry came around the front desk and gave her a big hug. "You aren't going to be gone for several years without another visit, are you?"

"I don't know." She laughed. "But I'll still keep in touch."

"Good." He smiled.

"Lucy?" Morris questioned as he approached the front desk. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to see Carter before I left." She explained.

Morris laughed. "This is hilarious. But he just left about ten minutes ago to find you."

She smiled. "Really?"

"Yeah."

"It figures." She sighed.

"Do you want me to call him and get him back here?" Morris offered, pulling out his cell phone.

"No." She shook her head. "That's ok. Please don't."

She came by to talk to him, but maybe it was better that he wasn't here. It was hard enough to leave as it was. If she had to look into his eyes as he told her he loved her again…well she probably wouldn't leave. But she could leave a note instead.

"Do you mind if I use the lounge to write him a note before I leave?" Lucy asked.

"Be my guest." Morris motioned towards the door.

* * *

Carter walked back into the ER, totally dejected. He wasn't able to find Lucy anywhere. He tried Romano's house and her hotel. But she wasn't at either place. He got to the front desk and sighed.

"Hey, Carter…" Morris said, approaching him. "You didn't find her."

"No." He shook his head.

"She was here." Morris informed him.

"She was?" Carter asked.

"She left about ten minutes ago."

"Why did you let her leave?" Carter practically yelled.

"Look man, I wasn't going to lock her in a supply closet or anything." Morris defended himself.

"Ok. But you should have at least called me. Maybe I could have gotten back before she left."

"She didn't want me to call you." Morris explained, pulling an envelope out of his pocket. "She did leave this for you though."

Carter grabbed it. Seeing John scribbled on the front in her handwriting, she shoved it in his pocket. "Great…a Dear John letter…just what I need." He sighed and grabbed a chart.


	11. Four Months Later

Broken Dreams and Silent Screams

Chapter Eleven

Four Months Later

Lucy stood in front of the full length mirror in her hotel room, examining herself from every angle. There were certain angles where she couldn't tell her was pregnant, other angles just made her look fatter and some angles gave it away completely.

She sighed. It was time for a different shirt. That might help. While looking through her suitcase, she thought back to when she found out she was pregnant.

 _Lucy sat in the exam room, anxious to get this appointment done. It was time for her annual physical. Although she was a doctor herself, she hated doctor's appointments. After what seemed like hours, the door finally opened._

" _Good afternoon Lucy." Dr. Sears greeted, sitting down. "How are you feeling?"_

" _Excellent." Lucy explained, sitting down on the edge of the exam table._

" _So I have your blood work results. Have you been experiencing any fatigue?" He asked, taking a look at her chart._

" _Not ?" She shook her head. "Did my blood work show anemia or something?"_

" _It didn't show anemia. All of your levels look normal." Dr. Sears chuckled. "It shows you are pregnant though. Congratulations."_

 _She sat there, staring at her doctor for a few minutes. Pregnant? Well there was only one possible father and that was Carter. She closed her eyes tightly as she hung her head. She was on birth control but with everything being so out of control there were a couple of days where she missed taking her pills. And their sex was unprotected. "Oh shit." She whispered softly._

" _I take it this was not a planned pregnancy?"_

" _No." Lucy opened her eyes. "It wasn't planned at all."_

" _Do you want to know how far along you are?"_

" _Oh I already know." She chuckled. It has been about seven weeks since she left Chicago. "Wow."_

" _I know this is a lot to take in." Dr. Sears said._

" _Oh…" She covered her mouth with her hands. "I have drank alcohol…not a lot, but a couple of beers."_

" _As long as you stop drinking now that you know you are pregnant, I don't see any reason to be alarmed."_

" _Yeah. You're right. That was a silly question." Lucy nodded. She should have remembered that from med school. But right now her mind was swimming._

" _Do you have an OBGYN?" Dr. Sears asked._

" _Um, yeah." Lucy nodded absentmindedly._

" _Ok. You'll want to call them and schedule an appointment to get checked out."_

" _Sure." Lucy nodded again._

" _Do you have any questions or concerns?"_

 _The only concerns she had were how she was going to tell Carter and what they were going to do about this baby. She knew she was going to keep it no matter what. But she wasn't sure about Carter's role since she hadn't heard from him after leaving Chicago._

" _No. I'm fine." Lucy finally replied._

She smoothed out the shirt and then looked at herself in the mirror. "That's a little better." She then sat on the edge of the bed and sighed. There was a lot to do today. A part of her wondered why she thought coming here unannounced like this was such a good idea. But the other part of her realized this was what she needed to do. This was where she needed to be now. She only hoped Carter would agree.

 _When she got home from her doctor's appointment, she laid on the couch. Pregnant. That word kept echoing in her ear._

 _This wasn't supposed to happen and definitely shouldn't have happened like this, with her and Carter living separate lives. She left him that note before she came back to Minnesota, and foolishly hoped he would call her, write her a letter, send an email, fax a letter to her or something to answer her note. She would have settled for carrier pigeons or smoke signals at this point. But she hadn't heard anything from him. So that was his answer._

 _She had been prepared to let him go. She would mourn the loss of their relationship again and then try to eventually move on. But this baby had to change things. She couldn't keep this baby a secret from him. That wouldn't be right. Even if he didn't want to have anything to do with the child, he deserved to at least know about them and have a chance to be a part of their life._

 _It left her with a difficult choice…how to tell him. She couldn't call him because she didn't have his phone number. She couldn't write a letter because she didn't know where he lived, and she didn't want to send the letter to the hospital or call him there. She supposed she could call County and talk to Morris. Maybe he would give her Carter's phone number or address. But that seemed like a cowardly way to handle this._

 _They were having a child together. He deserved to know that in person._

 _She decided to wait until after she was out of the first trimester to go to Chicago and tell Carter about the baby. After all, it was entirely possible she could miscarry. Then there wouldn't be anything to tell. Though that was the last thing she wanted._

 _A baby complicated things in her life. It wasn't part of her plan right now. She always knew she wanted to have at least one or maybe two kids at some point. But she always thought she would be married and settled in her career before that happened. Still…the thought of a child that was half her and half Carter warmed her heart._

 _Yes, she would wait until after the first trimester was done._

After she passed the first trimester mark, she kept finding ways to stall her trip to Chicago. She postponed one time because of her surgical schedule. One time she postponed because she was too nervous. But the main reason for her postponements was her proposal to the board of County.

She had finally decided what to do with the money Romano left her. She would petition the board to let her open the Robert Romano Cardiothoracic Surgical and Research Center through the hospital. She had done the research and figured out that if they opened a surgical center specifically to do simple and complex cardiothoracic procedures, they could not only help the community, but make more profit to offset the patients that come in without insurance.

They could also run clinical trials and the research could draw in some serious donors and grants for the hospital. She thought it would be a good fit and a good way to honor Romano and help improve the visibility of the hospital at the same time.

Now she just had to convince the board that it was a good idea. She knew that many of them didn't like Romano so she had to hope that they saw past that part and focused on the lives they could save.

She took a huge leap of faith coming here. She quit her job, got rid of her apartment and put her stuff in storage. If things didn't work out here in Chicago, she wasn't sure where she would go. Perhaps she could go back to St. Louis, but she didn't really want to. She wanted things to work out here.

She took one last look in the mirror before grabbing her stuff and heading out.

* * *

"Does anyone have any questions?" Lucy asked the board after she finished her presentation.

"No Dr. Knight. I think you have been very thorough." Dr. Anspaugh told her. "If you want to wait outside, we can discuss this further."

"Of course." She said, leaving the room. She took a deep breath as soon she shut the door. Putting her stuff down on a nearby chair, she started to pace.

"Lucy?"

She turned and saw Kerry Weaver headed her way. "Hi."

"I thought that was you. What are you doing here?" Kerry asked, giving her a hug.

"I…well I had a proposition for the board. They are discussing it right now."

"That's nerve-wracking." She laughed. "What is the proposition?"

"I want to fund a surgical and research center in Dr. Romano's name with the money he left me." Lucy explained.

Kerry looked at her like she had grown a second head. "Robert left you money? I wasn't aware he had money to leave behind."

"Neither was I." Lucy chimed in. "But he left me money and I want to do something worthwhile with it."

"Well good for you." Kerry smiled. "Are you back for good?"

"Possibly." Lucy chuckled. "It depends on what the board decides and if Carter is ok with it."

"Well you'll have to wait to find out about Carter's feelings about it." Kerry told her.

"Why?" Lucy asked.

She paused for a moment. "Have you been in contact with him lately?"

"No." She shook her head. "I haven't talked to him since I went back to Minnesota. Why?"

"He's been getting closer to someone else." Kerry explained. "Her name is Abby. Right now, they are on a trip to try and find her brother."

"Oh." Her heart sank. So not only did Carter not want to respond to her letter, he wanted to move on. He had every right to do so, but it still hurt. A part of her wondered if showing up like this and springing the news of the baby was the right thing to do anymore.

"I don't know if they are just friends or something more." Kerry told her. "I probably shouldn't have even said anything. I'm sorry."

"No." She shook her head. "It's ok."

"I really am sorry Lucy." Kerry apologized again.

"It's fine." She assured the woman. Carter was a free man. They weren't in a relationship. So he was free to do whatever he wanted. If that means spending more time with Abby, then that was his right.

The door opened and Dr. Anspaugh came out. "Oh hello Kerry."

"Hello Donald." Kerry greeted.

"Dr. Knight, we are ready for you to come back in."

"Great." She was now a mess inside after hearing that Carter might be moving on with someone new. She only hoped that the board had good news for her. Otherwise she might end up crying in front of all of them, and that would be embarrassing. "I'll see you later." She said to Kerry before following Dr. Anspaugh inside.

"We have discussed your proposal, as well as voted on it." Dr. Anspaugh started as he sat down. "We have decided to approve your request to form a cardiothoracic surgery and research center, and we would like you to run it."

"You want me to run it?" She was surprised. She figured she would help get it started but then hand it off to someone with more experience running something like this.

"You are forming this with money Dr. Romano left to you, and you are using his name." Dr. Anspaugh stated. "It makes sense that you are the one running it. You're an extremely determined young woman. You'll do a great job and you have the full backing of the board."

"Well thank you." Lucy managed to say. "Thank you very much. I won't let you down."

"That's all for today people." Dr. Anspaugh told everyone.

Lucy watched everyone file out of the conference room. Her mind was racing, making lists of what she needed to do next. She noticed Dr. Anspaugh standing in front of her.

"It will be nice to have you back in this hospital again. Make sure to go down to human resources and get a new badge. Make sure they assign you an office too. You're going to need one. If you run into any problems or have any questions about how to get started, my door is always open to you."

"Thank you Dr. Anspaugh." She smiled.

"You're a heavy hitter in this hospital now that you are running your own surgical center. I think you can call me Donald." He smiled back.

Her smiled got wider.

"Look…I know many of us didn't necessarily like Robert on a personal level." He sighed. "But he was a damn fine surgeon and has been missed around here. Dedicating this surgical center to him is a good idea and I commend you for it."

"Thank you Dr…I mean Donald." She corrected herself.

After he left the room she took a deep breath. One thing on her list was accomplished. Now she just had to wait until Carter got back and then she could try to talk to him. She put her hand on her stomach. "Ok baby. Mama has succeeded with one of her goals. How about we get a chocolate milkshake to celebrate?"

* * *

A short time later, Lucy was seated at a booth near the door Doc Magoo's, eating a large chocolate milkshake. She was thinking about exactly what she would say to Carter. While she hoped that Kerry was wrong and that Abby and Carter were just friends, she had to accept the fact that Carter may have decided to move on. If that was the case, she would have to deal with the fact that he may want to be in the child's life but not hers. She was lost in thought that at first she didn't notice someone sitting down across from her.

"Lucy! I thought it was you!" Morris smiled. "How are you doing?"

She smiled back. "I'm good. How are you?"

"I can't complain. I just started dating a cop named Claudia and I think it's going pretty well so far."

"That's great!" She nodded. "I'm happy for you."

"So what are you doing back here?" He asked. "I wasn't sure you would ever come back."

"I almost didn't come back." She admitted. "But I'm starting a surgical and research center in Romano's name within the hospital."

"Wow. That's quite a big undertaking."

"Yeah." She agreed. "Hopefully I don't mess it up."

"Ah, I don't think you have to worry about that."

"Thanks." She said. She had to try extra hard to make this next question sound casual. "So I ran into Kerry and she said something about Carter being out of town?"

"Yeah." Morris nodded. "He actually called yesterday. He's on his way back here and should be back sometime today. He went with Abby to find her brother. It's a long story, but basically her brother is bipolar. He went off his meds and disappeared. Abby wanted to go find him and try to get him in for treatment. Carter volunteered to go with her."

"That's nice of him to do that for her." Lucy said.

Morris chuckled. "Don't try to play poker. Your poker face sucks."

"Alright." She sighed. "Is he seeing Abby?"

Morris sighed. "I know they have had dinner together a couple of times. But I think they are just friends."

"I see." She wasn't sure what to do with that information.

"Sorry I don't have any other information for you on it." He apologized. "Carter's been…well he would kill me if he knew I was telling you this. So you have to promise you won't repeat it, ok?"

"Ok."

"He's been depressed since you left" Morris explained. "There isn't much that makes him happy anymore. I think he hangs out with Abby because she isn't exactly Little Miss Sunshine herself either. I've been trying to be there for him, but I can tell he doesn't want to hang out because I'm happier than he is right now."

"Did you give him the note that night?" Lucy asked.

"Yes." Morris replied. "He wasn't happy to get a note. He really was hoping to find you before you left."

"If I had seen him that night, I probably wouldn't have left." She admitted. "But I needed to go. I had to work through some things by myself." She looked at her watch. "Oh, I should get going and head to HR before they close for the day." She scooted to the edge of the booth and turned her body to get up.

Morris laughed. "Um…Lucy?"

"Yeah?" She asked as she stood up.

He stood up too. "Ok, so if I'm wrong…please feel free to slap me because I'll deserve it. But are you pregnant?"

Her eyes went wide. "Um…"

"Oh…you are." He smiled. "I'm glad I don't have to be slapped. But that is surprising."

"How could you tell?" She panicked.

"Just the way you were moving to get out of the booth, coupled with the way you look from the side." He explained. "Have you told Carter yet?"

"I haven't told anyone yet." She sighed.

"Is that part of the reason you came back?" He asked.

"Yes." She nodded. "Morris, if you tell anyone…and that includes Carter…I will permanently sew your mouth shut. Do you understand me?"

"I think so." He nodded.

"I plan on telling Carter. I really do. I just need to do it face to face." She explained.

"That's fine." He nodded again. "Can I be the first to say congratulations?"

She smiled as he gave her a hug. "Thanks."

"I have to get back to the ER because my break is almost over. Do you want to walk over together?" He offered.

"Sure." She nodded. "You can tell me more about Claudia."

"Well she is great…" Morris started.

* * *

Carter watched as Abby went with Eric upstairs to get checked into the psych ward. They were lucky they found him in Oklahoma, though selfishly he would have liked it better if Eric had fled to Minnesota. Then he would have had a valid reason for checking in with Lucy. But that wasn't meant to be so he let it go.

He still hadn't read the letter. It was tucked away in his bedside drawer. He would pull it out several times a week and try to command himself to read it. But it was no use. He couldn't bear to open it because he knew what it would say. Goodbye…I do love you…I'm sorry. It would be the same stuff she said at dinner and he couldn't handle it.

He was standing at the front desk with his back to the door when he thought he heard Lucy's laugh. He did this often. He would hear someone talk or laugh and then think he was hearing Lucy.

"There's no way that really happened." Lucy laughed.

"I swear to God it did!" Morris laughed.

"That is such bad luck though!" Lucy giggled.

Carter turned around and was face to face with Lucy. So he wasn't imagining things this time. There she was, laughing and chatting with Morris like they were best friends.

"Carter! Man, you're back!" Morris greeted, slapping him on the arm. "Where is Abby's brother?"

"Upstairs. She took him to get checked out." Carter explained, his eyes never leaving Lucy.

"Good. I'm glad." Morris went behind the counter and got a file. "I'm going to go see some patients now."

"Hi." Lucy finally greeted.

"Hi." He greeted back.

"How are you?"

"Fine." He replied a little too gruffly.

"Can I talk to you?" She asked.

"We're talking right now." He pointed out.

"No." She shook her head. "I mean talk in private."

"I don't think we have anything to talk about."

"I have some things I need to talk to you about." She told him.

"I don't want to talk." He explained.

"Ok. If you aren't ready to talk right now, you can find me at the same hotel I stayed in last time."

"If I find some time, maybe I'll stop by." He said.

"Ok." She sighed, walking past him.

He watched her go to the elevator, wondering where she was going and why she was here. Was she going to be working here? What was she doing back in Chicago at all? She made it seem like she was never going to come back again. Now all of a sudden she was back and wanted to talk to him.

Well maybe he didn't want to talk to her right now. Maybe he didn't care that she was back in town and wasn't dying to know how long she was staying. Maybe he wanted to avoid her for the rest of his life because he hated her. Maybe he had moved on and didn't want her anymore. There was only one flaw with that logic. Those statements would be lies.

He knew that he had no control over it. No matter how hurt he was that she left four months ago, he would be knocking on her hotel door later.


	12. Did I Wake You?

Broken Dreams and Silent Screams

Chapter Twelve

Lucy was eating some Chinese food and going over her plans for the surgical and research center when she heard a knock on her door. Her heart skipped a beat because she hoped that it was Carter. It hurt when he didn't want to talk earlier and she hoped he wasn't going to be that gruff with her all the time.

She understood his reluctance to talk to her earlier, but it still hurt her feelings. She loved being able to see him again. Judging by his attitude towards her though, telling him about the baby was going to be difficult.

She checked herself out in the mirror before getting the door. She was wearing yoga pants and a tank top. Knowing he would be able to tell she was pregnant by looking at her, she quickly threw on an oversized sweatshirt.

She hurried to the door and opened it, glad that it was Carter. She could feel herself smile, even though he had a bored and annoyed look on his face.

"Hi." She greeted.

"You wanted to talk." Carter sighed. "So let's get this over with and talk."

Yeah, this was going to be difficult. She moved aside so he could come into her room.

"So how long are you in town for this time?" Carter asked as he entered her room.

"Indefinitely." She answered, watching as he spun around to face her.

"What do you mean, indefinitely?"

His tone was more accusatory than she would have liked, but she supposed she deserved it. "I quit my job. I broke my lease on my apartment. I'm moving back here."

"Why? Why now?" He paused. "Why couldn't you have done that months ago?"

"To begin with, I finally figured out what to do with the money Romano left me. I got permission from the board today to form the Robert Romano Cardiothoracic Surgical and Research Center. I think I need to form an acronym for it, but the RRCSRC still sounds weird too."

"So you are back for good then?" He asked.

"Yeah." She nodded. "Looks like it."

"Good for you for doing something good with the money." He acknowledged. "Is that what you wanted to talk about?"

"No." She shook her head. "How are you?"

"I'm fine." He replied, sighing. "We already discussed this at the hospital."

"No." She argued. "You gave me a one word answer and have been standoffish all evening."

"What would you like from me, Lucy? Do you want me to roll out a red carpet for you every time you decide to drop into my life unannounced?" Carter started to yell. "You left four months ago. Now you're back and acting like nothing happened. Am I supposed to be happy that you're back? Grateful?"

"I know I left and I hurt you. But I explained it all in the letter Morris gave you. I thought it would be easier if I left before you came back to the hospital." She explained.

"I never read the letter!" He shouted. "Ok? I didn't see the need to read about how you were sorry but you couldn't be with me and you wanted nothing to do with me."

He didn't read the letter. That explained so much. Maybe there actually was some hope left for them. She couldn't help but smile widely.

"Why are you smiling like that?" He asked, clearly annoyed with her.

"You really didn't read the letter?"

"No." He shook his head.

"You should have read the letter." She laughed.

"It's not funny." He sighed.

"It kind of is. The letter had my phone number, my address, my email address, and every possible way for you to contact me." She explained. "I wanted to stay in touch. I wanted to still talk while I tried to get my mind cleared up from everything that had happened. I went back to Minnesota to see a therapist and get past my issues with guilt."

He was silent for a few minutes, almost as if he was processing everything in his brain. Finally he shook his head. "Even if that is what the letter said, it doesn't change things. You left four months ago."

"Why are you being such a jerk to me?" She asked, the words coming out of her mouth before she could stop them.

"How about because you left me? You used me for comfort and abandoned me. You ran away like you always do." Carter explained.

"Well how about you? You claimed you would wait for me but you've clearly moved on with Abby and are taking road trips together."

"Abby?" He chuckled. "Abby and I are just friends, not that it's really any of your business. And it wasn't much fun going to seedy places trying to find her brother."

She was glad that she got him to explain his relationship or lack thereof with Abby. But she was getting frustrated with her attitude towards her.

"Why come back, Lucy? Was it just for the surgical center? "

Perhaps it was the hormones, perhaps it was because she was tired. Whatever the reason, she couldn't help the next statement from coming out of her mouth without any preamble. "I came back because I'm pregnant."

"Shit." He whispered.

"I thought you should know. Even if you don't want to be a part of the child's life, you still deserved to know." She explained.

His eyes immediately moved to her stomach. "You're sure you are pregnant?"

She pulled up her sweatshirt to show him her baby bump. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure."

She watched his face, wondering what he was thinking. From the look on his face, he was in as much shock as she was when she first found out. Telling him this way was a mistake. She should have eased into it. She pulled her sweatshirt back down. "Carter…"

"I…I need to get out of here." He told her abruptly, heading for the door.

"Carter!" She called after him but he didn't stop. He left her hotel room. She thought about running after him, but realized he probably needed some time to process everything. This did not go the way she thought or hoped it would.

She was an idiot for just blurting it out like that. But he was pushing her buttons and she couldn't help it. Now she made things worse.

She would let him have tonight to think and absorb the news. Then she would find him tomorrow and try to talk to him.

* * *

Carter paced around his bedroom. After leaving Lucy's hotel room he came straight here. Her letter was still in his drawer. He just couldn't bring himself to get it and read what it said.

"You're being an idiot. Just read it" He whispered to himself, opening the drawer and pulling out the envelope. He opened it quickly, eager to read what she wrote.

 _John,_

 _Morris told me you went looking for me and we barely missed each other at the hospital. In some ways I'm glad you didn't find me before I left. It would have made leaving even harder than it already is for me. Honestly, if you had found me, I might not have left. But I feel like I have to._

 _I know you may or may not believe this, but I do truly love you. You were right when you claimed I had used you. I didn't set out to but I feel like I did use you as a security blanket. Coming back to Chicago and having both Rebecca and Romano die the ways they did has torn me up inside. It's like a part of me is constantly screaming inside and the only way I could quiet the screams was to have you with me._

 _But it wasn't and isn't fair for me to use you like that. And if we are going to have any chance of being together in the future, I have to leave now. So I'm going back to Minnesota. But this doesn't have to be goodbye forever._

 _I need some time to work on my issues. I've made the decision to start going to therapy at least twice a week, maybe more. I figure that will help me be able to work through all of the feelings of guilt and sadness I have in a safe place._

 _I don't want to lose you though. I know you said you would wait for me, but I will understand if you don't think you can wait for me or you decide you don't want to wait for me._

 _At the bottom of this letter I'm putting every single way I can think of for you to get a hold of me at home and at work. I'm leaving it all up to you. If you think we have even the slightest chance of getting back together in the future, please use one of these ways to contact me. If you don't, then I'll have my answer and I won't bother you again._

 _Just know that whatever you decide, I'll still love you forever and all I really want for you is for you to be happy…even if it isn't with me._

 _Love always,_

 _Lucy_

Underneath her signature was at least eight different ways to get a hold of her.

He felt like an idiot for not reading this letter sooner. He was so certain he knew what it was going to say, but he was completely wrong.

"Shit." He shook his head. Things could have been so much different if he hadn't been stubborn.

And now Lucy was pregnant with his child. A part of him was angry that she hadn't told him about the pregnancy sooner, but it made sense since she thought his silence meant he didn't care about her anymore.

Doing the math, she must be in her fourth month. He knew that he wanted kids eventually. Now wasn't the time he would have picked to have a child, but if he could choose anyone to be the mother of his child he would choose Lucy in a heartbeat.

He wasn't very nice to her tonight. He was actually a bit of a jerk. And he didn't say what he needed to say about this baby. He needed to think carefully about what he wanted to say so he didn't mess this up again.

* * *

The sound of persistent knocking woke Lucy up. With sleepy eyes, she looked at the clock by the bed. 2:48 am. She reluctantly got up and made her way to the door. Opening it, she found Carter there.

"Lucy. Did I wake you?"

"Do you realize that making this much noise in the hallway could get me kicked out of this hotel?" She sighed, yawning. "And of course you woke me. It is the middle of the night."

"I'm sorry I woke you up." He apologized. "Can I come in?"

While she wanted to slam the door in his face and go back to sleep, she instead moved out of the way for him to come in. She closed the door behind him and stood in front of it with her arms crossed. "What are you doing here in the middle of the night?"

Without saying a word, he crossed the space between them. Cupping her face in his hands, he kissed her. It was slow and gentle. She brought her arms down to her sides, not sure what to do. When he stopped the kiss, she just stared at him.

"John…"

"Lucy." He smiled. "Can we talk?"

She chuckled. "Not to sound like a broken record or anything. It's the middle of the night though. Can't it wait until morning?"

"No." He shook his head. "This can't wait."

"Well too bad." She laughed. "Because I'm going back to sleep." She walked over to the bed.

"Lucy…we have to talk." He reminded her.

"I know that." She nodded. "We can talk in the morning."

"Ok." He sighed. "I guess I'll leave."

"I didn't say you had to leave." She said softly, pointing to the bed. "I just said I'm going back to sleep."

He smiled, finally understanding what she was saying.

She watched as he took off his shoes. He waited until she got into bed and then proceeded to lay down next to her.

She cuddled up to him, laying her head on his chest. She didn't know exactly what would happen in the morning, but she had hope. And at the very least, she got to spend one more night in his arms.

* * *

The next morning Lucy stirred in the bed, panicking for a moment about the arm wrapped around her stomach until she remembered whose arm it was. Sometime during the night she had rolled over and he had draped his arm around her stomach, almost as if he was protecting her baby bump.

She wasn't sure why he came by last night. The kiss threw her off. She wasn't expecting that. Did that mean he wanted to get back together? Was it just a reflex reaction to finding out she was pregnant? Was he happy/sad/angry/scared about this baby? Was he mad she didn't tell him about the baby as soon as she found out? Did he read the letter? Did he want to be a part of the baby's life? Too many questions swirled in her brain.

She slowly turned so that she was on her back and looked over at Carter, surprised he was staring right at her.

"Good morning." He smiled.

"Good morning. How long have you been awake?" She asked.

"It's been awhile." He admitted. "How did you sleep?"

"Fine." She nodded. "Do you want to go get some breakfast and talk?"

He pulled her closer. "Do we really have to leave this bed? I'm comfortable here."

She chuckled. "Hand me the phone."

He reached over and brought the phone from the nightstand.

"You still like scrambled eggs, toast and bacon in the morning?" She asked.

"Yeah." He nodded.

She dialed for room service. "Hi. I'd like to place a room service order…scrambled eggs, white toast, two orders of extra crispy bacon, French toast, coffee and an orange juice please…thank you." She gave the phone back to him.

"You even remembered the extra crispy bacon." He marveled as he put the phone back.

"Of course I did." She laughed. Then she sighed. "So where should we start?"

"I don't really know." He shook his head and they were both quiet for a moment. "Here's the thing. I read the letter last night after I left. I'm sorry."

"You don't have to be sorry." She assured him.

"No. I do." He asserted. "If I had just read it that night instead of being so angry for so long…things would have been different. You wouldn't have had to face this pregnancy by yourself for so long."

"If it helps any, this pregnancy has been pretty easy—just a little morning sickness." She smiled. "But I understand why you didn't want to read the letter."

"You probably thought I didn't care anymore."

"Yeah." She nodded. "I did, and I'm sorry I didn't tell you about the baby as soon as I found out. I just…"

"It's ok." He cut her off, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I'm not mad about that. I understand."

"What are your thoughts about this?" She asked, pointing to her stomach.

"I think this baby is the second best thing to ever happen to me." He smiled. "The first being you walking into my life."

She couldn't help it. That was such a sweet thing to say that she reached up and started kissing him. He kissed back, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her as close as he could.

"So what are we going to do?" Lucy asked when they parted.

He smirked. "Well we are going to take off the rest of our clothes and then…"

She giggled. "No. Not that. I know perfectly well how to do that. I'm talking about everything else. What are we going to do about everything else?"

"That's easy." He told her. "We are going to do what we should have done years ago. We are going to let go of everything from the past and focus on what really matters, which is the fact that we love each other and we deserve to be happy together. And we are going to raise this child to be brilliant."

"Brilliant?" She chuckled. "That's a pretty tall order."

"With a mom like you, this child won't have any problems being brilliant or beautiful."

She kissed him. "This feels too much like a dream."

"It isn't." He assured her.

"I love you John."

"I love you too Luce."


	13. Epilogue

Epilogue

Four and a half months later

"Remind me again why you thought making the dedication so close to your due date would be such a good idea?" Carter asked as Lucy put things in her purse.

"I've already told you that I didn't want to have the dedication after I had the baby." She explained. She knew that it didn't make sense to Carter but she had her reasons. Her due date was in two days and it was hard to get everything done by now, but that's how she wanted it to be. Once she made her mind up to form this center in Romano's name, she wanted it done ASAP. "This way, Dr. Welling takes over running it for me for the first few weeks while I am out with the baby."

"Ok." He relented. "I shall bow to your wisdom. But you have been practically killing yourself trying to get this done on time. I'm worried about you and the baby."

She crossed the room and gave him a kiss. "Look…everything is fine. I am fine and the baby is fine. Now let's get going so I'm not late."

"You know, if you were late, they would wait for you since you are the keynote speaker." He pointed out, putting his arms around her waist and pulling her closer. He started to nuzzle her neck.

"Carter, c'mon!" She giggled. "We don't have time for that right now."

"We could be quick."

"Not now, ok?" She said, reluctantly pulling away from him.

"Ok. But later you are all mine."

"Can you please do me a favor and go upstairs to get my notes for the speech please? I think I left them on the nightstand when I went over them last night."

"Sure. I'll be right back."

As soon as he was out of sight, she doubled over in pain. She had been having contractions on and off all morning, but so far she had been able to keep that fact from Carter. She knew if he found out, he would insist she miss the dedication. And there was no way she was missing it.

She had been working round the clock for the past several months to get everything set. She had to oversee the renovation of an older wing of the hospital, she had to get the place fully staffed, stocked, and marketed so people knew about it. Thankfully she was able to convince her old teacher and Romano's old college buddy, Dr. Welling, to move up from St. Louis and become her second in command.

He would also watch things for her while she stayed home with the baby for a while. And that was a good thing because she was certain that this baby was going to make its appearance sometime today…hopefully after the dedication.

She heard Carter coming down the stairs and stood upright again. It wasn't easy to control the pain and conceal it from him. But it had to be done. She worked too hard to get the center up and running to be sidelined now.

"Are we ready now?" Carter asked, handing her the note cards.

"Absolutely." She smiled, following him out the door.

* * *

As Carter drove to the hospital, he looked over at his wife and smiled. He couldn't believe his luck lately. After she came back into his life and told him she was pregnant, he didn't waste time. She moved in immediately and he had to propose three times before she said yes.

The first time she laughed at him and said no. She claimed it was too early to get engaged. The second time she said they should wait until after the baby came. But the third time she agreed and they ended up getting married at the courthouse that very day. They bought a bigger place somewhat close to the hospital and he worked on getting a nursery put together.

He still felt like she worked too hard these last few months to get the center up and running, but his opinion on it always fell on deaf ears because she had made her mind up and wasn't going to let anyone change it.

He was proud of her though. All of her hard work was going to pay off. He was certain of it.

At a stop light, he looked over and their eyes met.

"You look deep in thought about something." She said with a chuckle. "What's going on in the pretty little head of yours?"

He smiled. "I'm just thinking about you…about us…about everything. We've been through a lot, both individually and together. But we've made it out together and we're stronger now. I'm proud of you Lucy."

"Thank you." She smiled. "And you're right. We are stronger now."

* * *

"I want to thank everyone for coming today." Lucy started her speech. "This center is very near and dear to my heart for several reasons. To begin with, I believe that this center will be able to do great things for the community by providing a place for people to come and get both simple and complex cardiothorasic procedures done by quality surgeons executing the newest, most advanced techniques out there."

"By partnering with County General, we can also ensure that their medical students are being exposed to and learning these techniques. This will allow them to take the knowledge and skills learned here to whatever hospital they end up practicing with in the future. We will also be advancing the research of newer techniques with our diverse research curriculum."

She paused for a moment. "On a more personal note, this center is being named for and funded by a mentor and good friend of mine who died earlier this year. Robert Romano was not the friendliest person in the world. There were actually quite a few people who despised him. But while he may not have had a lot of people who cared about him, he cared about his job as a surgeon and was dedicated to saving as many lives as he possibly could in the operating room."

"It is my absolute honor to name this center after him." She grabbed the ceremonial big scissors from Dr. Anspaugh. "Without further ado, I now declare that the Robert Romano Cardiothoracic Surgical and Research Center officially open!" She cut the ribbon with the scissors as people clapped. "There is a reception inside, so please feel free to enter and take a look around."

* * *

Lucy walked around the reception, hoping that if she kept moving, the pain would ease up. Her contractions were coming quicker now, but she didn't think it was time to tell anyone or go to the maternity ward yet. After all, her water hadn't broken yet.

She first made the rounds to all of the board members and other important people in the hospital hierarchy. While she was aware most didn't like Romano while he was alive, they seemed to be more forgiving and complimentary to him now. She had to keep herself from laughing about what his reaction would have been to that. She imagined he would have some rather choice words for them.

She was walking and smiling at people as she went, when she saw Elizabeth and Mark. "Hi!" She greeted with a big smile. "I'm so glad you two could make it."

"So are we." Elizabeth said, staring at Lucy's bump. "Wow. You look beautiful but also ready to pop."

Lucy laughed nervously. "Yeah. I'm getting there. How are you two?"

"Hawaii is great." Mark smiled. "Nothing but beaches and getting tanned on days off."

"Stop making her jealous." Elizabeth playfully poked him in the stomach with her elbow. "It isn't all fun in the sun."

"Sometimes it does rain." Mark chimed in. "Where is Carter?"

Lucy looked around. Somehow he had gotten separated from her. "Oh, he is over there at the bar talking to Kerry."

"I'm going to go say hi to them." Mark said. He kissed Lucy's cheek. "You did a good job with this place, Lucy."

"Thank you." She smiled.

"So, how are you really doing?" Elizabeth asked once Mark was away.

Lucy had reached out to Elizabeth after Romano's death because she felt like Elizabeth was one of the only other people who actually, legitimately mourned the man. "I'm doing a lot better. I think starting this place with the money he left me has given me a sense of closure."

"I'm so glad." Elizabeth smiled.

Lucy was about to say something but then froze. "Um…Elizabeth? Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course."

"What did it feel like when your water broke?" Lucy asked, her eyes wide. "Because I think mine just did."

Elizabeth looked down. Since Lucy was wearing a skirt, she could see fluid pooling on the floor. "It definitely did."

"Shoot." Lucy sighed. "Now I have no choice but to leave the reception. I was hoping I could last until after it was done."

Elizabeth looked at her quizzically. "What do you mean?"

"I've sort of been having contractions all day." Lucy explained, shrugging it off.

"Lucy!"

"I know. I know." She held her hands up in mock defeat. "But today is important to me."

"For two reasons now." Elizabeth laughed. "We need to go find Carter and get you to maternity."

"I guess so." Lucy laughed.

* * *

"I can't believe you didn't tell me you were having contractions." Carter laughed after one of her contractions stopped.

They had gotten into a room fairly quickly and were waiting for Dr. Coburn to come in and check to see how dilated Lucy was.

"I knew that if I told you, you'd make me skip the dedication." Lucy explained. Now that the contractions were coming quicker and quicker, she was hoping there would still be time for an epidural.

"Well at least the dedication was at the hospital." He laughed. "Still, next time please just tell me."

"Oh you think there will be a next time?" She smirked.

The look on his face was priceless as he stumbled to find a response.

"Well…I…um…that is…if you…and we…maybe…possibly.."

"Relax Carter." She laughed. "With the way we can't seem to keep our hands off of each other, I think it is safe to say we will find ourselves in this situation again."

He smiled and kissed her forehead.

"Ah not again." Lucy grimaced as another contraction hit.

"How is mommy doing?" Dr. Coburn asked as she came into the room.

"I want drugs please." Lucy groaned. "Lots of drugs."

"The contractions are coming closer together." Carter explained. He looked at Lucy. "Here. Grab my hand and let's do the Lamaze breathing."

Lucy rolled her eyes and looked at Dr. Coburn. "Drugs? Please?"

"Let's see how dilated you are and then we'll talk." Dr. Coburn didn't take very long to assess the situation. "Lucy, I'm sorry to have to tell you but there is no way you can have drugs."

"Why not?" She panted.

"Because you're fully crowned and I can already see the baby's head." Dr. Coburn replied.

Lucy looked over at Carter, who looked over at her. "Um…no…I wanted drugs…I didn't want to do this without the drugs…"

"So Lucy, look at me because here is what we are going to do." Dr. Coburn said. "You are going to rest and then when the next contraction comes, I want you to push for ten seconds at a time." She looked at Carter. "You are going to count down from ten every time I tell you to. Alright?"

"Ok." Lucy said shakily.

"You can do this." Carter told her, kissing her forehead again. "I know you can."

It didn't take long for another contraction to hit.

"Ok Carter, count it down. Lucy, start pushing."

She pushed for what seemed like forever, but it was actually probably more like three or four contractions.

"Alright you are almost there." Dr. Coburn said. "Let's do one more big push Lucy."

"I can't." Lucy sighed.

"Yes you can." Carter encouraged her. "You're almost done."

"Next time, make sure I get the drugs." She told him. "Promise me."

"I promise." He smiled.

"Ok." She pushed one more time and then felt a giant release. Seconds later, there was the sweet sound of a baby crying.

"Good work Lucy!" Dr. Coburn smiled. "You did it!"

"Is it a boy or a girl?" Lucy asked. They had purposely not found out the gender in order to be surprised.

"Dr. Carter, why don't you come and cut the cord?" Dr. Coburn asked. She handed him the scissors.

"It's a boy." Carter smiled, cutting his son's umbilical cord.

"A boy?" Lucy cried. "That's wonderful." She would have been happy with either, but she was glad Carter would have a son that he could pass on things to.

It only took a few minutes for the nurses to clean up the baby and then place him in Lucy's arms. She smiled down at her son, holding on to his tiny fingers. "He's perfect."

"I agree." Carter said. "You did great Luce."

"We did great." She said, looking up at him.

* * *

A couple of hours later Lucy was resting while Carter held his son by the window. "We are going to have so much fun together. I didn't have a very hands-on father, but you will. I'm going to teach you how to do everything. And you're going to have the best mommy in the world too. You'll see. She is awesome."

"Hey." Lucy greeted, making him turn around. He walked back over and handed the baby to her.

"I was just telling him how wonderful his life was going to be." Carter smiled.

"It would be even more wonderful if he had a name." Lucy reminded him, scooting over a little and motioning for him to join them on the bed.

"I was thinking about that." Carter said, getting up there and wrapping his arm around her. "What do you think about naming him Robert? It serves a dual purpose because he can be named for both my brother and Romano."

"You'd really let us name our son Robert?" Lucy asked.

"Yeah." Carter nodded. "I think it is the perfect name for him. Just promise me that his nickname will never be Rocket."

She laughed. "Deal."

"Welcome to the world Robert." Carter said.

"I love you." She said, reaching over to give him a kiss.

"I love you too."

Alright...there you have it. That's the end of this story. I hope you all enjoyed! If you did, please be on the lookout for another Carter/Lucy story I am developing. The first chapter should be up in the next few days!


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